Thursday, May 1, 2008

Let’s Keep Rolling With Florida Stuff

All right, this isn’t exactly Florida stuff, but it’s somewhat related to Disney, which is somewhat related to Florida. By now you, like, MUST’VE sooooo totally heard the news about Miley Cyrus, aka Hannah Montana, aka the daughter of former mulletteer Billy Ray Cyrus. She’s pregnant! And she married a loser wannabe rapper! Who beat the shit out of her! So she strung herself out on booze and cocaine! Then checked into rehab! Then checked herself out! Then went on a rampaging psychopath car chase! Then made a slutty music video/sex tape! Then dropped her unborn child on his head and already lost custody of him!

Oh, wait. That’s every other Disney child star from the past decade. My bad.

Fifteen year-old Miss Cyrus is appearing in an upcoming issue of Vanity Fair allegedly completely topless, except for a large opaque satin sheet covering her, you know, top. Her family and handlers have expressed feelings of shock, betrayal, embarrassment, etc. But the photographer was Annie Leibovitz, so I really don’t know what they were expecting.

Some say this is just the first of many strategic career moves by Miss Cyrus to shed her wholesome good girl image in favor of the slutty teen whore persona she will need to succeed when she’s eighteen. Others say she’s betrayed her obsessive entirely-too-much-TV-watching fans who look to her as a goody-goody faith-wielding role model. I say: Who gives a shit?

My thoughts on role models can be summed up by a quote from George Carlin:

If your kid needs a role model, and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.

You’d think after sixty some-odd years people would catch on to the fact that TV isn’t exactly real. Politicians lie, professional athletes use drugs, and Beaver Cleaver gave nickel hand jobs. If they’d just teach these timeless infallible principles in school, maybe we wouldn’t feel so used when famous strangers who we pretend are our friends let us down.

But I guess it’s a lesson everyone has to learn on their own. I remember when I first found out that the guy who played Murdock on “The A-Team” wasn’t completely bat shit crazy. I cried for days. Then there was the time I discovered you couldn’t really seal a dangerous acid leak with some duct tape and a chocolate bar. First thing I did when I got released from the hospital was hang a “Fuck MacGyver” sign on my bedroom door. Live and learn, I guess.

But back to the Hannah Does Montana story. The latest reports indicate Billy Ray Cyrus did in fact suspect ahead of time that this photo shoot might not be well received by his daughter’s fawning idol-worshipers-in-training fan base, and he allegedly pleaded with Annie Leibovitz and Vanity Fair afterward: “Don’t tell her cult, her bitchy whiny cult. I just don’t think they’ll understand. And if you tell her cult, her bitchy whiny cult, the shit might go and hit the fan. Ooooh.” Okay, he didn’t say that. But, HAHA! Now you’ve got that song stuck in your head. That’s what you get for reading about crap like this.

Bonus George Carlin quotes:

Is there another word for synonym?

Why do we say something “is out of whack”? What's a whack?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

He’s my role model.

5 comments:

pjd said...

From ParentDish.com:
Though her parents claim to be mortified, they were on the set on (sic) day. They left before the "topless" photo was taken, but Miley's grandmother and teacher were still in attendance. Vanity Fair claims that the family saw all of the shots before they were released and loved them.

I personally couldn't give a rat's petutie about celebrities. But my wife is close personal friends with the wife of Miley's teacher.

I actually have been living under a rock the past few days and hadn't seen the pictures or heard the big flap. I just took a look, and frankly, I am shocked--SHOCKED, I tell you!--that anyone thinks the photos are scandalous.

Do people not realize that Hannah Montana is fictitious? And that some day Miley Cyrus will be over 18 and doing full frontal nude scenes in major motion pictures but that Hannah Montana will forever be 15 years old, just like Beaver Cleaver will forever be black and white?

writtenwyrdd said...

The whole "I'm shocked" act is nauseating. Annie Liebowitz taking her photo is a damned honor and they knew what they were getting into. Wish they'd all shut up.

and I loved that achy-breaky parody. Damn you BT for putting that awful song into my head. It took most of the last ten years to get rid of it! Worse than the macarena!

Sarah Laurenson said...

Love the assteroids!

Um, yeah, Annie Liebowitz. Hello? Anybody home out there? She's a mega-photog and doesn't take pictures lightly. Geez.

The adoring fans want to run Miley's life, but she has ideas of her own about what she should be doing. How dare she?

I really wonder about people and their obsession with stars. Scary.

Ello said...

I love that achy breaky heart parody! You are so clever! And good rant. I seriously couldn't give two shits over all these stupid Hollywood twits. Don't even get me started on Paris, that ridiculous waste of space.

Robin S. said...

You’d think after sixty some-odd years people would catch on to the fact that TV isn’t exactly real. Politicians lie, professional athletes use drugs, and Beaver Cleaver gave nickel hand jobs. If they’d just teach these timeless infallible principles in school, maybe we wouldn’t feel so used when famous strangers who we pretend are our friends let us down

Classically funny, and why I hate reality TV, all in one, um, whack.