Monday, February 18, 2008

Grabbing My Mail Sack Monday

While it humbles me that people come here and actually read this crap, it also makes me highly suspect of their mental stability. So when I get emails asking blog related questions, I'm a little hesitant to hit Reply and encourage potentially dangerous individuals. I'll answer the questions here instead.

Dear Blogless,
What’s with the So-And-So Wednesday, So-And-So Thursday crap? Are all your posts going to be titled this way?
[name withheld]

That’s a good question, Name. I honestly don’t know what I was trying to pull off there. I think it was an attempt at satire of some sort, but I can’t remember, and it’s getting on my nerves too. I’ve empanelled a committee to explore this very issue.

Dear Mr. Troll,
You’re a guy. Do guys really listen to women? I’d like to think my boyfriend hangs on every word I say, and that the reason he doesn’t always respond appropriately, or at all for that matter, is because he’s just afraid to express his feelings in an intimate way for fear of rejection or embarrassment or some other imagined trauma that might bruise his ego and cause him to think he’s less of a man. Is this the case, or do guys just hear what they want to hear and ignore the rest?

Please, call me Blogless. Mr. Troll is my father. Next question.

Yo BT,
You think Dwight Howard really deserved to win the Sprite Slam Dunk Contest this past Saturday during the 2008 NBA All-Star Weekend in New Orleans?

First of all, you don’t have to say “Sprite Slam Dunk Contest” etc. like you’re talking to a buncha writers who don’t know anything about sports. And he was going to win the dunk contest anyway, even if he showed up with an accordion and played "This Land Is Your Land" for the entirety of his allotted time. This is what's known in the NBA as a make-up call. During a game, if a ref blows a call at one end of the floor, he'll usually correct his mistake by making an equally ridiculous call at the other end against the other team. And yes, while it's true two wrongs don't make a right, fifty to sixty wrongs typically make a regulation NBA game. Twice that if the refs have money on the spread. But since last year's dunk contest wasn't a game, and there was no way to rescind Dwight's unjust first round elimination, and since last year's refs aka "judges" included the likes of Michael Jordan and Dr. J, who are both NBA deities and therefore arrogant shitheads, Dwight got screwed and everybody knew it and he got to cry about it for a whole year with nothing to comfort him but piles and piles of endorsement deal money. So this year the NBA made sure Dwight would win the dunk contest by changing the rules to allow fans to vote for the winner, by stocking the field with other big men from unpopular teams, and by kicking Michael Jordan the fuck out. The good news is now that Dwight's gotten his rocks off and won his dunk trophy, he can finally concentrate on more important things such as bringing a championship to Orlando, and he can stop taking nights off like he did last Monday against Cleveland.

But hey, I'm getting off track here. Did he deserve to win? Fuck yeah! Did you SEE that Superman dunk? He wore a friggin cape, dude! Oh, you didn't see it? Well, lemme play it again.


Anonymous said...

Dear B.T.,

Does your middle name begin with L?

Anonymous Coward

pjd said...

Great post. I had not seen the dunk. In fact, I had not known that there were any all-stars this year. That's how far removed I am from the NBA.

Anyway, regarding the second question (about the boyfriend), you might want to direct the young lady to this site called "things my boyfriend says," which appears to be an unfettered and unfiltered direct view into the male psyche.

Credit to Editorial Ass for the link.

ChristineEldin said...

OMG! You could start an advice column!!! How cool. I haven't been in therapy for a while, so a load of crap has built up.....


Sarah said...

OMG. I thought you were totally making it up about the cape. Dunk? His fingers never touched the rim! What kind of dunk is that? I'm really out of touch if the defintion of dunk has gotten so loose.

Robin S. said...

Uh oh. I smell sporty stuff starting. If you have sporty stuff, please explain it as you go.

Although I do love watching golf (no kidding).

blogless_troll said...

Har har, anon. But, no. It starts with a U. I got picked on a lot as a kid.

Thanks for the link, Pete. That site's hilarious.

I've got answers for all your problems, Miss Chris.

Yeah, you're right, Sarah. That was his worst dunk of the night, but I couldn't find any of the other ones on YouTube.

Alright, Robin, but I'll keep it to a minimum anyway. I've tried watching golf, but...I dunno. I'd rather play it. And by play it, I mean drink beer, race carts, and try not to hurt anyone with my slice.

Beth said...

I came over from Ello's place and am glad I did. HILARIOUS stuff!

McKoala said...

Dear Blogless

Why do you stay up so late?



blogless_troll said...

Thanks for stopping by, beth!

McK, sorry I didn't respond sooner. I fell asleep.

Ello said...

Ha! I love your needy girl response. So typical! REminds me of my post on why men don't write advice columns!