Monday, March 30, 2009

I Hate To Say I Told You So, But...

I told you so.

Well, the Federal government sat on its hands and did absolutely nothing despite my plea for the allocation of additional dollars needed to stem the disturbing fast food crisis gaining traction in Florida. And as a result of our government’s refusal to act, the crisis is spreading across the country—to Utah of all places—just like I said it would, as quickly as an Ebola virus late for a date with... with... I dunno, someone prone to contracting Ebola viruses.

But whereas we Floridians are an assemblage of mild mannered sane people who utilize the safeguards put in place by a rational civilized society, those crazy fuckers in Utah shoot first and ask questions later.

I can’t say I blame them though. There’s nothing more aggravating than having to order an Egg McMuffin when you really want a Quarter Pounder, and given the right circumstances, firepower, etc. I could easily see myself considering this a viable course of action. Which just goes to show that the Federal government must step in and take even bolder action in order to save us from ourselves. That’s why I’m calling for government certified anger management counselors to be on site 24/7 at all fast food restaurants within the United States and Mexico (because we’re responsible for them too). I’m not saying this will in any way solve the fast food crisis, in fact it may actually increase the amount of nationwide McRage (trademark pending), but what it will do is demonstrate that our elected officials are serious about tackling the problems we face, and to a large percentage of our population that’s all that really matters.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Evildoers Beware

Via Paca via Wyrdd from The Hero Factory.

By the way, that's Mister Extraordinary Mad Smart Pirate to you.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Is That A Space Shuttle On My Windshield?

Caught this on the way back from a weekend at the beach.

Here's a shot of the solid rocket boosters right after they detached:

No, really. I swear.

Speaking of things that can fly, here's a Royal Tern:

Here's a shit load of Royal Terns:

I was actually lucky to get this picture. Usually they fly away when you get this close, but there was this pelican--just out of the frame to the left--giving a lecture on proper diving technique, and these fuckers were enthralled.

Hey, how about some gratuitous beauty?

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

It's Official: Fast Food Crisis In Florida

You may remember (or not) last August when I brought to your attention an incident involving a Jacksonville man who called 911 to report that Subway screwed up his order.

Turns out this wasn't an isolated incident. We didn't know it at the time, but we were witnessing the beginnings of a full blown crisis here in the Sunshine State: idiots working at fast food restaurants.

Now they've infiltrated Burger King AND McDonald's.

You can tell by the 911 operator's response that local law enforcement simply doesn't have the resources to properly deal with this crisis. If left unchecked this crisis could spread, and potentially endanger other businesses, like, I don't know, Fazoli's or something.

The solution is simple: we need an additional influx of Federal dollars. Unfortunately, our governor has already pissed away the stimulus package money that we haven't received yet by using it to balance this year's and next year's State budget, thereby avoiding having to cut any wasteful spending programs which might upset potential voters and possibly kill the critical political momentum he's built up and will need for a successful 2010 U.S. Senate run. So we're gonna need a second hit. Sorry, California. Your problems pale in comparison. If you live in Florida, please call or write to your representatives today and urge them to beg Washington for more money, so it can be allocated specifically to local law enforcement or given to someone's buddy in a series of convoluted backdoor deals. Either way, we must act. If we do nothing, our children and our children's children-- even our children's children's children--will grow up in a world where no one... what was I talking about? Oh yeah. McNuggets. In a world where no one can get McNuggets on demand. Or something.