Monday, March 30, 2009

I Hate To Say I Told You So, But...

I told you so.

Well, the Federal government sat on its hands and did absolutely nothing despite my plea for the allocation of additional dollars needed to stem the disturbing fast food crisis gaining traction in Florida. And as a result of our government’s refusal to act, the crisis is spreading across the country—to Utah of all places—just like I said it would, as quickly as an Ebola virus late for a date with... with... I dunno, someone prone to contracting Ebola viruses.

But whereas we Floridians are an assemblage of mild mannered sane people who utilize the safeguards put in place by a rational civilized society, those crazy fuckers in Utah shoot first and ask questions later.

I can’t say I blame them though. There’s nothing more aggravating than having to order an Egg McMuffin when you really want a Quarter Pounder, and given the right circumstances, firepower, etc. I could easily see myself considering this a viable course of action. Which just goes to show that the Federal government must step in and take even bolder action in order to save us from ourselves. That’s why I’m calling for government certified anger management counselors to be on site 24/7 at all fast food restaurants within the United States and Mexico (because we’re responsible for them too). I’m not saying this will in any way solve the fast food crisis, in fact it may actually increase the amount of nationwide McRage (trademark pending), but what it will do is demonstrate that our elected officials are serious about tackling the problems we face, and to a large percentage of our population that’s all that really matters.

9 comments:

Robin S. said...

Holy shit. I thought you were kidding - and then I clicked the link. The guy was Polynesian, though. Does that change anything?

Oh yeah, and he had long hair, as reported by the press.
A double whammy of strange, baby.

Scott from Oregon said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihk9-lO5cQc

And again with the Mickie D rant from Oz... (speaking of McRage...)

pjd said...

Are you sure the Congress can take time out of their busy schedule looking into the issue of steroids in baseball?

I think a better idea would be to mix powdered Prozac in with the salt that gets dumped on the fries. I am certain most of these violent criminals are repeat visitors to fast food establishments, and dosing them silently might prevent a lot of these problems.

Brings new meaning to Happy Meal.

Chris Eldin said...

When we elected you emperor of Florida, we thought you'd take care of the fast food crisis. Instead, you let it spread to the Southwest.
*shakes head in disbelief*

blogless troll said...

Robin, it is Utah after all.

Scott, that's still funny the second time.

Pete, that's a great idea. Then we can all sit back and laugh at the irony when people complain that Prozac in the fries is a health risk.

Chris, I am but a humble servant of our most honorable and preeminent Federal Government.

laughingwolf said...

what about us poor schmuck canucks? or don't you give a fuck? :O lol

salt petre, anyone? :P

Aerin said...

So...I'm passing out awards....maybe slightly to annoy you. Is it working??

McKoala said...

And I'm looking at your writing updates.

A Koala Rant is imminent.

blogless troll said...

Updated, Koala.