Time To Grab My Mail Sack

Not only have I failed to post much over the past month and a half, but I’ve also neglected to answer any reader mail, and as a result, my mail sack has swollen to an ungainly size. Hopefully, this will lessen the load:

Hi Blogless!

I’m having trouble figuring out when you’re being honest and when you’re full of crap!!! What ever happened to the Truth-O-Meter? Will it be back anytime soon?

Thanks!!!!!
Debbie from North, SC

Debbie,

I appreciate your enthusiastic, if somewhat self-serving, concern for TOM. Actually, I recently had a sit down with him, and for the time being at least, TOM’s taking an administrative leave of absence. To spend more time with his family. Don’t even think it’s because he ran out of clever semi-relevant ways to say “True” or “False” (his words).

By the way, I Googled “North, SC” because, frankly, I thought you made it up. I was a little troubled to learn it actually exists, and what’s worse, it’s located smack dab in the middle of the state. No wonder you’re confused. So, to alleviate your confusion while TOM’s away, here’s a helpful rule of thumb:

Every lie contains 85% truth.

Therefore, I’m lying 15% of the time. Of course, as you’ve no doubt guessed, that last statement was a lie, and right now you’re busy calculating 85% of 15%. I’ll save you the trouble. It’s 12.75%. A reduction in the amount of lying of 2.25%! So you see? The more I lie, the closer I get to the truth. I hope this helps. Maybe you should move to Arkansas.

Hey BT,

I clipped this headline from the Drudge Report and sent it to you in case you missed it.



Given your propensity for tearing dolphins a new one, and your equally unhealthy attitude toward sports related mass hysteria, I’m surprised you haven’t devoured this story with the ferocity of a rabid pit bull in a kitten nursery. What gives?

Surprised? You’re surprised? How about proud? Do you know how much restraint I’ve exercised over the last three days? Look, to be perfectly honest, the last time I ragged on the dolphins I received a handful of thinly-veiled death threats from exactly the type of lunatics you don’t want to piss off. We’re talking major chemical imbalances here. And now you want me to do it again? And make fun of Michael Phelps at the same time? Surely you jest. Besides, what am I going to say about him? The guy’s kicked so much ass his feet are permanently stained brown. And if he wins the last two gold medals, and at least breaks the world record in his remaining individual event, then I have no problem calling him The Human Dolphin. Though maybe we could shorten it to “THD” because that sounds less dorky.

But I’m warning you. Don’t think for a second those wiley dolphins will take it all in stride… er, stroke… whatever. They can’t deny he’s won all those races, so instead they’ll probably try to discount his slew of world records. I look for them to implicate the Chinese in some kind of construction scandal, claiming the ChiComs built the Water Cube pool an eighth of a meter too short, or something like that. Sure, it’d be a tough sell, but hey, they’re dolphins. And wouldn’t you love to see the Human Dolphin go head to head with smarter-than-human real dolphins in the court of popular appeal? Confronted with that choice, people would spontaneously explode.

That reminds me. I watched the entire Women’s All-Around Gymnastics Event last night just to see if Bob Costas would refer to sixteen-year old Shawn Johnson as “the adorable Johnson.” He did. Twice! It was like, something, something "is about to embrace the adorable Johnson." So-and-so "must now try to beat the adorable Johnson." My inner Beavis couldn’t stop laughing.

dear dolphin hating jackass

I,m goig 2 kill u! I;m exactly the type of persen u DON”T, ie DO NOT want 2 piss off. what gives u the rite 2 talk about things u no nothing about, spefically dolphins aka marine mammels of any kind? watch yor back. u;ve been warnd!

Anonimuss

ps if u think im telling u my real name u r crazy! it,ll surprise when I sneak up on u!!!!!

Dear Anonimuss,

Regrettably, I’m not a legal scholar, so I’ve taken the liberty of forwarding your inquiry to the experts at the FBI. Hopefully, with their resources, they will be able to assist you in your quest for the origin of “rites.” Don’t forget to vote in November.