Tuesday, August 5, 2008

When The Troll's Away, The World... Is Still Insane. So It Doesn't Rhyme. Screw You.

It’s been so long since I've posted, I forgot how to come up with a topic. So I wrote some random phrases on strips of paper, put them in a hat, and picked a few. Here they are in no particular order.

Citius, Altius, Fortius Concussio: Is it just me, or do you sense the dark cloud of impending doom over Beijing? Not that I give a shit about the Olympics. The ChiComs could censor the entire thing, from flame-on to flame-out, and I probably wouldn’t even notice. I mean, if you’ve seen one doped up athlete you’ve seen them all. And I don’t think I could stomach another athlete-triumphs-over-personal-obstacles story. Just thinking about it makes me want to vomit on Bob Costas. Are any of you planning on watching the Olympics? And if so, why? What’s the appeal? Seriously. I’m not being sarcastic. I honestly don’t get it.

Wish I Knew How To Quit You, Joker: Saw The Dark Knight. Hope these guys saw it too.

And took notes.

What I Really Need Is One Of Those Crazy Ass News Stories So Fantastically Loony That No One Would Ever Believe It If I Didn’t Provide A Link: Cool.

Gone Baby Gone: Don’t know if or how closely you’ve been following Caylee Anthony: Without A Trace (cue theme music). Unfortunately for Caylee, Greta Van Susteren is on the case, which means she’ll likely never be found. Say what you want about Greta, but she knows an eight month ratings booster when she sees one. Just ask the Holloways. What I really like about Greta is the way she goes from talking about the fate of a missing little girl to Brangelina baby pics to Brett Favre shenanigans and back again without ever changing the expression on her face, as if all three were equally significant. They don’t teach that in TV school; it takes natural broadcast talent. Or excessive cosmetic surgery, I’m not sure which.

Greta’s been in North Korea for a week or so, but she was back last night discussing—with Mark Fuhrman no less—the forensic fine points of whether fingerprints, hair, urine and defecation stains found in the trunk of a car were more or less suspicious than finding them in the back seat. And as I hypnotically listened to them tease out the salient threads of their hypothetical analysis, I couldn’t help thinking: O.J., you sonofabitch! If you hadn’t butchered your wife, I could be watching two totally different schmucks exploitatively furthering their careers under the guise of investigative journalism!

Wouldn’t it be great if all the Caylee Anthonys of the world, all the Natalee Holloways, all the other kids who go missing every year and are never found—the ones who aren’t cute enough or blonde enough to sustain a 24/7 media circus—wouldn’t it be great if Greta Van Susteren had them all? You know, just… stashed away somewhere, like at her secret underground mansion in Colorado, or “North Korea,” and she used them to periodically bolster her ratings? And wouldn’t it be great if they were all living somewhat normal secret underground lives, making somewhat normal secret underground friends, and playing somewhat normal secret underground games? And like, Mark Fuhrman would stop by from time to time and bring presents and they’d all run up to him and give him great big hugsies and call him Uncle Mark and he’d pat them on the head in a totally non-sexual paternal manner and dispense wisdom and life lessons to them via humorous parables and they’d all say, “Thank you, Uncle Mark!” Wouldn’t that be great? Wouldn’t it?!

The media’s been using kid gloves on the mother because some of them feel stupid for having cast Elizabeth Smart’s parents in a dubious light. But hey, innocent until proven guilty, right? Or until the cops offer you immunity in return for the slightest bit of cooperation in the search for your two-year old daughter. Who knows? Maybe this IS a bizarre and convoluted kidnapping case worthy of an episode of Without A Trace. Maybe the mother WANTS to talk but she CAN’T because the mysterious kidnappers have threatened to harm Caylee if she does. Maybe her lack of cooperation is all a ruse designed to bamboozle the kidnappers, and she’s secretly working with authorities behind the scenes to arrange a clandestine meeting/ambush, in which Caylee is returned unharmed, the bad guys arrested, and everyone happily ever after fades to black, roll credits. Wouldn’t that be great? Wouldn’t it?

I SAID, Hold The Mayo: All right, just so we don’t end on a depressing note, here’s some of that whacky Florida-ness everyone likes. I actually kind of sympathize with this guy. Many a time have I restrained myself from leaping over the sneeze guard and pummeling the sandwich artist because he didn’t understand the phrase, “No fucking olives!”

UPDATE: It must be an airborne virus.

UPDATEST: The good people at Yahoo have some of the Subway 911 call available here.


EboRâguebi said...

Map of Olympic Medals - since 1896

Travis Erwin said...

I kind of sense that Olympics doom as well, but I do enjoy the spectacle of the event.

pjd said...

For me, watching the Olympics is an exercise in trying to recover the wonder of childhood. And what are you really going to watch instead... preseason NFL? Baseball? The Stanley Cup, which is probably still going on even though it really should have ended before the snow melted in Juneau?

My favorite line from the cloned booger article: After rescuing him from a shelter 12 years ago, Booger had become an indispensable part of her life, said the 57-year-old Californian. Just whom did Booger rescue from a shelter? And how, specifically, does a pit bull become an indispensable part of anyone's life? In my opinion, owning a pit bull is like owning a half-grown tiger. It's just dumb. I don't care how much pit bulls are "misunderstood." They don't belong in society as pets.

And thanks for the cautionary tale of Peterson. Occasionally I get that irate, too, when they leave off the spicy peppers. But I think the girl who does that step at my local Subway is a special needs person, perhaps on a work program. So I take pity.

Good to have you back.

Sarah Laurenson said...

What is in the water there in FL?

Welcome back, oh blogless blogger. And a nice way to kick off your return, too.

I watch some of the Olympics. It's one of the few places I can see sports I really like. I also was Olympic bound myself at one point in time. Well, in my little junior high school head I was anyway.

Having the Olympics in China and watching the Chinese government pull some of their usual shit will make this even more interesting.
This one here and this one are just the start.

Um, yeah, clone the dog you rescued rather than really honor your canine companion by putting that $50,000 towards rescuing other unwanted animals.

Aerin said...

Well, I feel totally sick because I still get sort of giggly at a picture of Harrison Ford. Old crushes die hard.....

blogless troll said...

To be honest, I'll be watching some parts of the Olympics. Just trying to get a rise outta ya, etc. Though I will be watching with the volume all the way down. I seriously can't stand the jibber jabber in between the action.

Travis, I love the spectacle too. My favorite so far.

Pete, I agree about the pits. Unless you live out in the country and are never visited by anyone, you're rolling the dice with pit bulls. Better to have a rottie instead.

Sarah, that was my initial reaction too. I was trying to empathize with this loony, you know, see if I was missing something, but no, she's crazy. I was gonna comment on how she could've rescued another dog instead, but then I got sidetracked trying to find out the names of the 5 dogs all of which "include the word Booger." Found them this morning: Booger McKinney, Booger Lee, Booger Ra, Booger Hong and Booger Park.

I like Booger Hong.

Don't feel bad Aerin. He still does it for me too.

pacatrue said...

Booger Lee. Excellent. What more is there to say?

I really enjoy the Olympics with the volume off.

McKoala said...

Ah, how we missed the troll's view of the world.

All sport on tv leaves me utterly cold. The Olympics more than anything, due to the overdose of inane reporting that accompanies it. However, Soccer Boy is desperate to spend the next three weeks glued to the television, and his disillusioned Dad is finding that sport is recovering some of its sparkle when watched with a seven year old. So I'm guessing I will have to purchase an iPod and a large pile of books to help me block it all out.

Commentary here is not all that great; however I was unlucky enough to be in the US during the Sydney Olympics and I fully sympathise with the urge to watch without sound.

Also, do your tv channels realise that sometimes people other than Americans run races? Disillusioned Dad, who used to be a runner, would watch races when the camera would follow the sole US contestant, running the whole race in eighth place, without ever actually showing who won. Australia is guilty of this too - they like to show the most obscure events in place of more major ones, simply because there's an Aussie in there somewhere.

Whirlochre said...


The Troll returns!

This is like coming home after a nuclear war to discover everything exactly as you left it.

As for Subway, it's a shame there isn't an olympic event for turning fresh vegetables into inedible slurry. They could even beat the Hungarians.

I'll be tuning into the swimming and the table tennis and arming myself with a selection of kazoos and swannee whistles to add sound effects to the marathon walkers as they do that weird thing with their hips.

ChrisEldin said...

Greta. I remember when she had that hideous face-lift. I used to like her when she was just an attorney.

Welcome back, dude!!! We missed you!

Robin S. said...

I can't even read your post tonight- we just flew back in a few hours ago from one long hot (not in the good way) flight - but I was SO happy to see this!

I'll read when my neurons are firing at full throttle- you made my night, BT.