Monday, July 27, 2009

BREAKING NEWS!

Local Celebrity Holds Woman Captive - Victim Blames Herself, Media Spins Captor's Behavior As 'Over-Playful'

by Blogless Troll

NEW ZEALAND - A woman swimming in Hawkes Bay near Mahia had to be rescued Monday after local celebrity and all around douchebag, Moko the Friendly Dolphin, held her captive by blocking her efforts to swim to shore.

The woman survived her harrowing ordeal thanks to a super-intelligent buoy that sensed she was drowning and held her afloat until beach goers arrived in a dinghy to rescue her. If not for the courageous nature of buoys--long regarded as the friendliest technological marvels of the sea--the woman likely would have succumbed to the freezing waters and drowned.

The victim wished to remain anonymous, probably because she feared the dolphin worshipping lunatics of the world would hunt her down and lynch her for exposing Moko as the fraud he is.

"We were playing around for a while but then when I wanted to go back in, he just wanted to keep playing. I became exhausted and started to panic," she said, anxiously looking over her shoulder and choosing her words carefully so as not to further tarnish the dolphin-god's reputation.

"The reality set in that I was out in the ocean with a wild animal and no people around, so I felt quite vulnerable." Translation: The dolphin tried to rape me.

Blogless Troll, a self-proclaimed expert on dolphin duplicity, reminded readers of his prior warnings concerning Moko the Would-Be Murderer, "I told y'all last year that little bastard was fulla shit."

"Look, that fucker can't have it both ways," Mr. Troll added. "Either he's super-intelligent or he's not. The scientific consensus seems to be that he is intelligent. Therefore, the only conclusion you can draw here is that this was an intentional act, and he should be brought up on attempted murder charges. And probably rape charges too. Ms. Wishes-To-Remain-Anonymous should take a pregnancy test either way."

When asked what motivation the sadistic cetacean might have for such a cruel act, Mr. Troll cited an article that appeared in the local Gisborne Herald just two days before this incident took place.

In the article, scientists present evidence that Moko has been injured in the past by human boat propellers and fish hooks. They also conclusively prove that Moko is upset over local signage that incorrectly labels him as female.

"Hey, I'd be pissed too if I was mocked in print by a species of alleged intellectual inferiority," explained Mr. Troll. "Would I kidnap an innocent person and force her to swim to the point of exhaustion because of it? Probably not.

"Nobody's perfect, but me personally, I try to be the buoy."


Editor's Note: The Daily Mail, the BBC, and TVNZ all inexplicably have a different take on this story. But they're all gossip rags anyway, so fuck 'em. Also, make sure you read the comments at the end of the Daily Mail piece. They're hilarious.

8 comments:

Robin S. said...

The Dolphin Stories are back! Long live the meanp-assed dolphins! (Unless I'm in the water with one.)

fairyhedgehog said...

He rescued two whales but trapped a woman? There's clearly a dastardly plan going on here.

Scott from Oregon said...

Moko was protecting the woman from a band of hungry sharks, you evil bastard!

Now apologize to Moko for tarnishing his reputation!!

Chris Eldin said...

AHHAHAHAH! YAY for intelligent reporting! I know I can always come over here for the Truth.

pacatrue said...

Moko was wrestling a re-incarnated megalodon. The poor creature spends three hours fighting the largest shark ever to exist using his Brainiac like, um, brain and laser beam eyes, and all he gets for it is blame and ridicule.

Dolphins will save the planet from the stupid monkeys.

Amen.

Robin S. said...

I sense a dolphin novel...

pjd said...

"Look, that fucker can't have it both ways," Mr. Troll added.

I thought Mr. Troll was your dad, dude.

Hurray for fair and balanced reporting. The world needs more guys like you and Jon Stewart, who gleefully and gratuitously (but appropriately) use the word fuck mixed with solid, can't-argue-with-that journalism. If the news can't be good, then at least it can be funny.

pjd said...

By the way...

BREAKING NEWS

Michael Jackson is still dead!