Why Dolphins Are Overrated

No, this isn’t a football post. It’s an animal post. About dolphins. Specifically, the Atlantic bottlenose dolphin, Tursiops truncates, who seems to hog most of the spotlight.

Am I the only one tired of hearing about how wonderful dolphins are? I’m no marine biologist, but dolphins are supposed to be smart, right? Yet I’ve been going to Sea World since I was five, and they’re still doing the same stupid shit they did back then. “Sit back and enjoy the playful elegance of Cindy and Sandy as they swim and jump to the accompaniment of overly dramatic music designed to fool you into thinking they're smarter than they really are…” C’mon. Swimming and jumping? They’re fucking dolphins. That’s. What. They. Do. If they used their superior intellect to orchestrate an elaborate escape, then I might be impressed. But swimming and jumping?

By the way, dogs can swim and jump too. In fact, I have a theory that dolphins are basically aquatic dogs. Dogs do tricks for food. That’s all the dolphins are doing. And really, those dolphin shows at Sea World and local aquariums are just the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show without the pooper scoopers.

But it goes deeper than that. Bomb sniffing dogs? Underwater mine-hunting dolphins. Dogs respond to those weird ass whistles that nobody can hear. Guess what? So do the fucking dolphins.

Oh, but you say, “Dolphins are sweet and gentle and benevolent and they care about human beings because they’ve rescued people drowning in the ocean.” Dogs are all of those things, plus anyone who’s watched classic cartoons will tell you that if you ever find yourself suddenly trapped under an avalanche, eventually a St. Bernard will come along, pull you out of the snow, and pour itself a shot of whiskey from that little barrel around its neck. Using your body as a floatation device? Not even in the same league.

And c’mon, if you think about it, "Lassie" and "Flipper" were the same friggin show.

And you know how dogs like to hump your leg? It’s been widely documented (also here) that dolphins engage in the same amorous activity, only they won’t settle for just your thigh. In fact, this behavior is so deviant that Carl Hiaasen even included it in one of his novels, though I don’t remember which one.

And here’s another reason I don’t trust dolphins: they’re always smiling. But it’s not a friendly smile. It’s one of those holier-than-thou-your-mere-existence-amuses-my- superior-dolphin-intellect kind of smiles. It’s predatory. And now that I think about it, it’s probably just an act so you’ll think they’re cute and you’ll let your guard down and jump in the water with them so they can ram their big cetacean cock up your ass.

Here they are anticipating a poolside gang bang.

You can say all these things about killer whales too, which aren’t really whales by the way. They’re giant dolphins. Plus, killer whales are mean. Don’t believe me? Here’s a clip from the documentary The Blue Planet, wherein a killer whale plays volleyball with a sea lion pup. Warning: May cause disillusionment.

Still think these are majestic creatures? This clip doesn’t mention it, but in the documentary they point out that when the killer whale was through having its fun, it didn’t even eat the sea lion. Sure, maybe there’s a good explanation. Maybe this particular killer whale was just an asshole. Maybe it was high on toxic phytoplankton. Maybe it was the Kaiser Söze of killer whales sending a message to all the sea lion bystanders who owed it money. I dunno. But it makes me increasingly suspicious of Shamu.

And that’s another thing. These killer whale shows are even more ridiculous than the dolphin shows. The main draw of these shows seems to be the finale when they let the really big giant killer dolphin/whale out of its cage and it circles the tank and flings water at enthusiastic tourists, using the same muscle groups it would use to slingshot a baby sea lion. And don’t think for a second it wouldn’t send a baby sea lion soaring into the audience if could. “Guess we’re all out of baby sea lions. Guess they’ll have to settle for this water I just shit in. Boy, humans sure like diluted shit water. Maybe a coupla the little ones’ll fall in the tank and I could launch them…” And people arrive forty-five minutes early just to get seats in the Splash Zone. But then again, most tourists are northerners anyway, so you can’t expect too much.

So, to sum up: never trust a dolphin. They’re not that smart. Even the ones who manage not to get captured. And while dolphins may look cute, always remember, they’re just waiting to fuck you. And never sit in the Splash Zone, unless you like half-digested mullet spine in your hair. But if you do, you probably belong in a Carl Hiaasen book too.