Friday, October 31, 2008

Meemer Meemer

6 Random Things About Me Meme. Tagging courtesy of Robin. If you wanna be tagged consider yourself tagged, but I'm now officially protected by an impenetrable meme shield.

1. When I was four or five years-old someone gave me an LP of the soundtrack of The Country Bear Jamboree, that thing at the Magic Kingdom with the singing robot bears. It was the entire show from beginning to end and I listened to it over and over and over until I had the whole damned thing memorized, accents and all. It's not something I'm proud of.

2. I often begin my daily commute by lobbing foulmouthed epithets at the squirrels who pissed on my windshield overnight. Sometimes I imagine they're sitting up on a branch laughing at me like Beavis and Butthead going, "Heh heh. Heh heh. We, like, did it in the wee hours. Heh heh. Yeah. That was pretty cool. Heh heh."

3. For about three years while I was in college, I had a bumper sticker that read: Ask Me About Microwaving Cats For Fun And Profit.* While stopped at red lights during that period I received approximately two dozen respondent inquiries (of which only one I would say was legitimate), 47 middle fingers, 5 death threats, and one fatherly advice-like moment from a retired Sheriff's Deputy who told me he'd seen people get their heads blown off for less. A friend took a magic marker to the "C" and made it an "O" so it read "Ask Me About Microwaving Oats" because she claimed she was worried for my safety, or maybe it was because she was embarrassed to ride with me, or I was an idiot. I don't remember her reason. It washed off in the next thunderstorm.

4. Also in college, one of my roommates and I were walking home from a party late at night when we found an area in front of the campus bookstore under construction and kind of roped off with yellow plastic tape. We procured some chalk from an art major we knew after waking her up by throwing pebbles up at her window. Then we drew the outlines of two dead bodies on the concrete in the taped off area. Turned out the next day was some kind of open house for prospective students and all these high school seniors and their parents had to walk right past the crime scene, which apparently upset a few of them, or so the school paper wanted us to believe with their disapproving caption and front page photo. The crime was never solved.

5. I once filleted about a half inch of my index finger trying to slice a two day-old bagel. None of the skin was completely detached and it healed OK, but now I've got a sizeable L-shaped scar. Fortunately, it's on my left index finger so now if I ever get confused I just look at my knuckle.

6. I remember sitting in my sandbox at a very young age, spotting my dad's Igloo cooler—the cylindrical yellow one with the red top—and thinking: Biggest. Castle. EVER! I dragged the hose over to the sandbox and got the mixture going and filled about a third of the cooler up with wet sand before construction was halted by a major ass whipping.


* I actually have no idea how to do it! Never even tried.

13 comments:

JaneyV said...

Brilliant! - laugh out loud funny all of them although my favourite is your venture into CSI territory.

Have you ever seen Open Season where the warring, foul-mouthed leader of the squirrels is voiced by Billy Connelly? Methinks that you are not the first person to think that the squirrels are out to getcha. Apparently they are. And they're organised.

Your last story reminded me of the time I heard the bad boys on the street use a phrase and I thought it'd be a really great idea to repeat it to my devoutly Catholic mother. Having announced it with great vigour I noticed my mother's facial expression change to the demonic crazed look she had just before I got walloped. "What did you say?" she demanded through the red mist that descended. Now remembering that the last time I'd had my hide tanned was for lying I chose to repeat the phrase rather than do the intelligent thing and run for my life. The next few seconds happened in slow motion as my sister dived behind a chair and I was given a whoppin' you wouldn't believe while my, normally loving and wonderful, mother exploded into flame.

Yes I'd told my mother to fuck off. I was four too.

Sarah Laurenson said...

I told my parents something a bit different that my friend kept repeating. Never thought about what the words meant, just parroted them. I was quite a bit oder than 4. Took me a long time to stop being a parrot, but that incident helped immensely.

Great random things. And I think your bumper sticker is a scream (and I'm a cat person despite having dogs at this point of my life). People have no sense of humor.

Travis Erwin said...

#4 is especially great.

Robin S. said...

#1 is darling. Have any pics of yourself singing?

These were a blast to read, especially now that I have a voice to put with the words, Oh Ironic One.

Love these - thanks for doing 'em!

pjd said...

I, too, had the Country Bear Jamboree LP. I loved that show at Disneyland. Loved loved loved. Best. Entertainment. Ever.

My other favorite was "Joy to the World" by Three Dog Night. I used to sing it at my brother's little league games. I was five, he was eleven. You know how little league games go. By the second inning, the parents typically were more interested in me than the game.

Sad but true.

The crime scene thing is hilarious.

Phoenix said...

So the squirrels piss on your windshield every night and you don't park your car somewhere else? Chalk one up for the squirrels in the intelligence department ;o)

Speaking of chalk, I LOVE the body outlines.

I would laugh at the scar on the knuckle to avoid right/left confusion but the older I get the more I think I might need to indulge in a little self-mutilation so that I, too, have a quick reminder.

Thanks for sharing. And can you tell me what your impenetrable meme shield is made of?

Robin S. said...

Don't tell phoenix about your meme shield, please, as I'm waiting for her version of a meme, even as we (sort of) speak.

Robin S. said...

Oh, damn. She sent it to me.

It's posted. I'm still in shock.

ChrisEldin said...

LOL at Phoenix's remark!!!
A smooth delivery, too.

:-)

I liked the crime scene bit. That was hysterical!

McKoala said...

Strange child.

Love the body outlines, though. Genius!

blogless troll said...

In my defense, there is nowhere I can park that doesn't give them a direct line of sight. However, when we bought the house, I was fully aware of their existence as well as the effects of gravity, so you got me there. But it's still fun to call them names.

blogless troll said...

Oh, and thanks for delurking to defend the tree rats. (insert winking smiley here)

writtenwyrdd said...

Re the cats bumper sticker, some people have no sense of humor. One of my favorite books of all time was called "101 uses for a dead cat" and I still giggle thinking about it. And I love animals and would never hurt one (except to kill it quickly and cleanly to eat). Besides, any meat cooked in a microwave comes out rubbery in my experience!*

*that was humor, too, lol.

I stuck a gouge in my left hand index finger so deep it stuck in my knuckle and took some wrangling to get it out. Couldn't tell the folks since I'd been expressly forbidden to play with the woodcarving tools. Luckily it didn't get infected despite being a 1/4" deep. And I don't even have a scar.