Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I Just Participated In The Most Important Election In The History Of The Universe And All I Got Was This Stupid Sticker

Last week I made fun of all the robotrons who voted early, and I promised to take a stopwatch with me to the polling place today to see if standing in line for two hours at the library would’ve been an efficient use of my time. I figured any yahoo could press a button twice and write down some numbers, so this yahoo also took copious notes. It’s kinda long, but in the spirit of quasi-journalism I thought it best to present the unabridged version.

11:31:03 AM - Pulled into Church of the Holy Bloody Cross Our Savior/polling place parking lot. Briefly contemplated why no one makes a big stink about separation of church and state on Election Day. Preliminary conclusion: Most people don’t really give a shit because the threat of theocracy lives only in the minds of the eternally paranoid.

11:31:14 AM – Almost ran over some dude.

11:31:16 AM – Thought he wanted to charge me for parking but turned out he was only waving a sign with the name of his favorite politician on it.

11:31:42 AM – Parked. Locked truck. Walked halfway across parking lot. Stopped.

11:31:43 AM – Patted pockets. Said, “Son of a…” Retraced steps upon realizing I forgot my wallet.

11:32:27 AM – Retrieved wallet.

11:32:52 AM – Walked over to dude with sign. Said, “Hey man, I was gonna vote for that other guy, but I really like the way you wave that sign around. You convinced me.”

11:32:59 AM - Dude thumped his chest twice, flashed peace sign.

11:34:16 AM – Walked into polling place. Greeted by geriatric poll worker propped up against exterior door.

11:34:19 AM – Nicknamed him Crotchety Carl.

11:34:28 AM – Entered polling place proper/narthex. Looked for long lines to stand in.

11:34:37 AM – Spotted sign-in table helmed by poll worker with nametag that read: Mary.

11:34:46 AM – Poll Worker Mary asked for my ID.

11:34:51 AM – Thought about saying, “Pretty sure this isn’t the fake one.” Decided against it.

11:35:58 AM – Made way to polling booth/rickety plastic rectangle with legs.

11:36:07 AM – Voted straight party line. (I’m a card carrying member of the Throw All The Incumbent Motherfuckers Out On Their Asses Party (TATIMOOTA Party).)

11:38:34 AM – Navigated oceans of lawyer-speak to vote on state constitutional amendments.

11:40:54 AM – Handed ballot to Poll Worker Mary. She handed me “I Voted” sticker.

11:41:02 AM – Poll Worker Mary slyly glanced at my vote for president, appeared to resent giving me sticker.

11:41:41 AM – Exited polling cathedral. Accosted by young woman with clipboard who smiled at me like she was being paid less than minimum wage to do so. She asked who I voted for.

11:41:57 AM – Responded, “Nunya.”

11:41:59 AM – She briefly consulted her clipboard. Said, “Nunya who?”

11:42:03 AM – Replied, “Nunya Business. Go get a real job.”

11:42:07 AM – She cocked her head, appeared affronted. Said, “This IS a real job.”

11:42:15 AM – Chastised the myopia of our fast food gratification-on-demand culture in general and suggested that exit polling was a symptomatic correlation of—

11:42:22 AM – She walked away.

11:42:28 AM – Shrugged. Walked halfway across parking lot. Stopped.

11:43:16 AM – Patted pockets. Said, “Son of a…” Retraced steps upon realizing I left wallet in polling booth.

11:43:47 AM – Received quizzical look from Crotchety Carl. He said, “Hey, didn’t you vote already?”

11:43:51 AM – Said, “Once is never enough, my man.”

11:43:53 AM – Carl said, “Right on, brother.”

11:44:12 AM – Reentered polling tabernacle. Poll Worker Mary appeared smugly triumphant, made smarmy suggestion about holding onto my wallet.

11:44:13 AM – Oh, the irony.

11:44:15 AM – Returned Poll Worker Mary’s passive-aggressive animosity with shit-eating grin. Opened wallet. Counted money. Twice.

11:45:08 AM – Received scowl from Poll Worker Mary.

11:45:10 AM – Inquired about obtaining some extra “I Voted” stickers for the kids.

11:45:18 AM – Poll Worker Mary said, “Get lost, dipshit.”

11:45:23 AM – Proceeded to get lost.

11:45:51 AM – Exited polling temple again. High-fived Crotchety Carl on the way out. Said, “Carl, my man. I’ll be back around three for some more democracy.”

11:45:58 AM – Carl said, "God bless you, sir. And God bless America."

Total elapsed time: 14 minutes 55 seconds.

Conclusion: Told you.


blogless troll said...

I did wait in a fairly long line at Target today.

Speaking of rewarding behavior with stickers, when I was in kindergarten we used to get scratch and sniff stickers when we refrained from eating paste and whatnot, but the one I got today was just a plain old sticker. Clearly our government is failing us. Topic For Debate: If the "I Voted" sticker was a scratch and sniff sticker, what would it smell like?

I expect this issue to be resolved by the time I get back.

Travis Erwin said...

Let freedom ring!

pjd said...

So there's one question I have. Should it be TATIMOOTA or TATIMFOOTA? That is, is Motherfuckers one word or two?

I think the scratch n sniff sticker should smell like Lysol.

Robin S. said...

Have fun in the mountains, BT.

Sarah Laurenson said...

McCain conceded!

Yeah - voting times. Took me longer to park my car than it did to vote. Read it took some students in PA 11 hours to vote.

Have fun in the mountains!

Scratch and Sniff? Coffee to remind you to run by your nearest Starbucks for your free cup of joe (not joe the plumber).

pacatrue said...

Mountains. Me say mountains good. You go. Enjoy mountain.

Ello said...

Oh my gosh! You made me laugh through my aching jaws after 2 hours of horrible excavating through my root canals. You deserve a medal for that!

Tatimoota! Dude that was too funny!

McKoala said...

Aaah. It's as good as being there.

Whirlochre said...

I’m off to a wedding in the mountains.

Giants? Or other trolls?

Wonderwood said...

Dude, thank you. That was exactly the kind of laugh I needed today. And count me a TATIMOOTA brother. I love it.

sylvia said...

Excellent. I almost feel as if I voted. :)

writtenwyrdd said...

Funny! Did you really say you were voting 2x and CC gave you a high five equivalent? That's great.

ChrisEldin said...

Almost like watching a home movie, and slightly better than what's inside EE's shorts.
hehehe (wonder if he reads over here?)