Here's Something You've Never Seen Before

A politician speaking for 12 straight minutes without lying. Then Dodd goes and ruins it with transparent posturing.

One More Time Magic Fans

They're So Friendly And Intelligent

You're Too Stupid, Say The Bought-And-Paid-For

That's all there is to it.

Please Move Along. Nothing To See Here.

Quanto Sonno Ho Perso Per Te

Lessons From Dan Brown And Exxon Mobil

I’m almost embarrassed to admit it, but this morning I went to a Mobil station to gas up. I never, ever go to gas stations—ANY gas station—because a) they only benefit evil corporations that have the gall to turn a profit, and b) I drill and pump my own crude in my own backyard, one barrel at a time, then wheelbarrow it down to the neighborhood refinery for processing. Sure, it ends up costing me upwards of $12.50 a gallon for the finished product, but it’s worth it. It’s better for the environment, and I know that not having my business hurts those greedy oil companies where it counts.

But this morning I overslept and didn’t have time to fire up the oil derrick, so I had to swallow my pride, bend over and grab my ankles to the tune of $2.49/gallon.

While I was standing at the pump silently cursing Exxon Mobil and all of its subsidiaries and wondering why in the hell they couldn’t find some Jimi to play on the piped in Musak (memo to Exxon Mobil marketing parasites: Celine Dion does not make my gas pumping experience more enjoyable), I saw something like this:



A gas credit card offer. What grabbed my attention was not the giant subliminally misleading 15¢ PER GAL., nor the slightly less giant DOUBLE REBATES debatable distortion of fact, nor the itty bitty asterisks indicating the presence of itty bitty fine print, which lurked in the bottom right corner, out of focus, and half-concealed by an errant dollop of pigeon shit.

What did immediately grab my attention was the blatant mystical symbolism hidden in plain sight:



The reason I noticed this first—or at all for that matter—is because I downloaded and started reading Dan Brown’s new book last night, and ever since I’ve been actively searching for ancient secret knowledge that’s hidden right under my nose. For those of you who plan on reading the book, don’t worry, I won’t give any of the plot away. But I will say that up through the first thirty chapters 90% of the book has been flashbacks, dream sequences, and people standing in front of mirrors for the express purpose of describing their physical appearance. In other words, the shocking and unpredictable twists and turns you would expect from a master of the craft.

By the way, don’t get intimidated that I’m already on Chapter 30. I’m no speed reader; Chapter 30 begins on page 45. In fact, there are 969 chapters in the entire book, a number that holds significant hidden meaning in and of itself because if you flip it upside down it becomes 696, which, when multiplied by the Golden Ratio equals the coefficient of shitty prose.

But let’s not get distracted.

What my fiction-induced heightened awareness was telling me was that there was some serious esoteric shit waiting to be unraveled at the Mobil station. So I did what unwilling-yet-intrepid adventurer Robert Langdon would do. No, I didn’t launch into a scene stopping expository monologue. I applied logical historical analysis to the mystery in question.

Admittedly, I’m new to this sort of thing, and in my hastiness to discover the wisdom held in secret by the ancients, I had a couple of false starts, as evidenced by this first iteration of analysis:

Ain’t no way that tiger’s gonna catch the pegasus. It’s a flying horse for chrissake! Tigers are dumb.

Obviously, whether accurate or not, this doesn’t fully capture the entire spectrum of implied nuance, so when I got to the office I conducted some historical research.

Now, in the new book Dan Brown states that Google does not equal research, historical or otherwise. To get around this, I donned a black turtleneck and a tweed jacket with elbow pads. This simple act transforms the process from research to scholarly pursuit, a jurisdiction under which Google is considered a legitimate source. If you add a pipe to the ensemble, you can use Wikipedia too.

Anyway, I soon uncovered this:



Yes, that’s a depiction of the old pre-merger Mobil pegasus. Notice the smile, an ancient universal representation of happiness and good cheer, which, some claim, predates even the Sumerians. You can imagine Pre-Merger Pegasus gallivanting around some fantastical corporate logo countryside, frolicking with other various pastoral icons, like Elsie the Cow or the Keebler Elves.

Now, compare that to this:



The new post-merger Mobil pegasus. This is the same pegasus being chased by the Exxon tiger in the credit card offer. We can infer from the change in directional orientation that Pre-Merger Pegasus, a carefree creature of whimsy that spent its days idly prancing to the left, at some point encountered the Exxon tiger, turned tail, and is now hauling ass to the right. Also note the 45 degree angle, indicating the impending moment of takeoff that was not present in the original. Now, let’s zoom in on Post-Merger Pegasus’ facial expression:



As you can see, the smile has been replaced with an expression of astonishment and fear: the downward looking gaze, the trembling bottom lip, all depicted, as noted above, at the exact moment of flight, as if the pegasus is saying, “Holy shit! I thought I was just a regular horse! But I’m flyin’! I’m really flyin’!” This is THE moment of self-actualization. The pegasus realizes, for the very first time, that it can fly.

Some might be quick to argue that Post-Merger Pegasus already knows it can fly, and the fearful expression is the result of being hunted down by a 600 pound predatory jungle cat, but upon closer inspection that conclusion doesn’t hold water. If Post-Merger Pegasus knew it could fly, it would have no reason to fear. In fact, most likely it would exude an air of cool indifference, or even taunting arrogance, as if to say, “Ha! Ha! Dumbass tiger. I’m a flying horse!” But that’s clearly not the case.

When all the pieces of the puzzle are put into place, a tiny morsel of the Wisdom of the Ages is revealed:

Sometimes, it takes a tiger on your ass to realize you can fly.

When I finally understood this profound hidden meaning, suddenly Celine Dion singing “A New Day Has Come” over the gas station speakers not only made perfect sense, but it was destined to be, as if the high priests of the ancient mystery schools were reaching through the aether of the space-time continuum foam to hold my hand as I took my first step toward nirvana, toward operating on a higher consciousness vibration plane via corporate synergistic ecstasy.

Or not. I dunno. Maybe it’s just a horse with wings.

Anyway, thank you for this cleverly encoded message of inspiration Exxon Mobil, you evil fucking bastards. And thank you, Dan Brown, for writing manipulative stories with hyperbolic shit to poetry ratios that nevertheless keep me awake longer than a Mountain Dew/Red Bull speedball. Prick.

I Heart Elizabeth Warren

Then He Started Throwing Sea Creatures

God, I love Florida.

They're Big...

...and you're small.


PS: Oops.

I'm Not Usually The Memey-Meme-Meme Kinda Guy...

...but Writtenwyrrd had this one up the other day and it looked fun. It's about reading habits.

Do you snack while you read? If so, favorite reading snack:

No, but I rarely snack. However, a while back I’d gotten into the habit of eating Dove Dark Chocolate Minis while reading in bed, until one night I fell asleep with a handful. Interesting Fact: The human body produces enough heat over a six hour period to liquefy several ounces of chocolate, and can produce enough force (through tossing and turning) to squeeze liquefied chocolate through tiny holes in aluminum foil wrappers.

I blamed Carl Hiaasen for writing an unnecessary and extraneous chapter that, despite his clever turns of phrase and keen understanding of human nature, induced unconsciousness. Oddly, my wife didn’t see it that way.

Do you tend to mark your books as you read, or does the idea of writing in books horrify you?

Non-fiction books I mark up like the kitchen walls of a paranoid madman who’s hard at work deciphering the mysterious runes in a bowl of Lucky Charms. I used to use a highlighter, but I couldn’t read the margin notes so now I use a pen. But not just any pen. It has to be one of those fine tip roller ball pens where the ink spreads easily and with little effort, but not so quickly that I end up with ink dots all over my hands and shirt. Regular ball point pens, I find, require too much work to operate.

How do you keep your place while reading a book? Bookmark? Dog-ears? Laying the book flat open?

I used to use a baseball card (1989 Donruss Tony Gwynn or 1987 Topps Tony Gwynn), but that was back when I didn’t dare crease the spine of a paperback either. I’ve since experienced a moment of clarity and have come to realize it’s not the physical pages of the book that are sacred, it’s what all those little squiggly markings on the pages represent that is sacred. Dog-earring the shit out of a novel doesn’t desecrate the essence of it, just as burning a nation’s flag cannot diminish the nation nor the principles upon which it was founded, no matter how many people get offended. The symbol is not the thing.

Fiction, nonfiction, or both?

Yes.

Are you a person who tends to read to the end of a chapter, or can you stop anywhere?

Chapters irritate me. I don’t know why. I usually read to the end of a scene. The only time I don’t is when I hear one or more of my children screaming/fighting/breaking things. At that point I pause and listen. If the screaming clearly involves injury, I’ll stop reading and investigate. If the screaming is part of a larger fighting event or a clear indication of a potential future fighting event, I will (depending on who is involved and how serious they sound) stop reading and investigate. If they’re breaking things I definitely stop reading, especially if they're breaking my things.

If you come across an unfamiliar word, do you stop and look it up right away?

If it’s a non-fiction book I usually do. If it’s a science-y word in a novel I usually do. If it’s a non-science-y obscure word in a novel I can usually guess at the meaning with no harm done. If there are a lot of non-science-y obscure words in a novel I start making bets with myself as to how many chapters I will read before throwing it in the trash.

What are you currently reading?

Hollywood Station, by Joseph Wambaugh

Gateway to the Moon, by Charles D. Benson

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, by Jules Verne (audio book)

What is the last book you bought?

Captiva, by Randy Wayne White

Are you the type of person that reads one book at a time, or can you read more than one?

I tried holding one book in one hand and one book in the other hand and alternating every other sentence, but it turns out I was still only reading one book at a time.

Do you have a favorite time/place to read?

The present/planet Earth.

Do you prefer series books or stand alones?

I like them both.

Is there a specific book or author you find yourself recommending over and over?

No, but there is a specific person (my Mom) to whom I make recommendations over and over. It works like this. I recommend an author, and if she likes the first book, she reads everything by that author. Then she passes all the books on to me, and recommends to me that I should read them, because they were very good. So now I’ve got all these extra books to read, but very little time to read them. But I do plan on reading them, eventually, because I hear they’re very good.

How do you organize your books?(by genre, title, author’s last name, etc.)

I believe in simplicity. Therefore, I only have 3 categories of books: Books I’m Reading, Books I Need Something From, and Everything Else.

Books I’m Reading are on my nightstand.

Books I Need Something From (ie, notes, margin scribbles, etc.) are on my desk.

Everything Else is on the bookshelf. Or on the floor next to the bookshelf. Or on my desk or nightstand, positioned in such a way as to easily distinguish them from Books I’m Reading or Books I Need Something From. Except on the rare occasion the categories overlap, in which case they could be on any of the three, any combination thereof, or none, possibly the floor. And then there’re the ebooks, which I guess would be a fourth category. Those could be on my nightstand or my desk, or in the garage I guess, if I left the ereader on top of the fridge while grabbing another beer. They could also be on the floor or the table by my closet if the ereader's being charged. Anyway, point is, I know exactly where things are. Really.

Bob In Boston

Troll Poll #4 - (Less Than 2 Months Until The Earth Is Destroyed (Again))

If you haven't heard about this yet then I don't know which utterly insignificant little blue-green planet you've been living on. I've been actively ignoring it, in hopes it would eventually give up and just go away, but is hasn't.

In October, the 6th book in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy trilogy will be released, written, not by Douglas Adams, who is dead, but by Eoin Colfer, who is not. Eoin Colfer is the guy who's written the Artemis Fowl books, which I had completely ignored until my son inhaled the entire series in about a week and a half this summer. Since then I've read a few of them--okay, I'm on #5--and I have to say they are 100% not bad.

But...

Look, I don't blame this Artemis Fowl guy, it's a great opportunity for him, and it wasn't his idea to begin with. I blame this on all the non-creative bloodsuckers in suits who seem intent on drowning society in pop culture nostalgia with their remakes and reboots and resets and reimaginings--enough already! Grow a pair and take a fucking risk for chrissake!

Sorry.

Anyway, it's entirely possible I'm way off base here. So below I've posted Troll Poll #4 because I want to know what you think, if anything. I mean, "if anything" regarding this. I realize you think about many, many wonderful things on a daily basis.

If there's enough interest we might do another poll in November-December-ish once everyone who wants to read it has, in order to determine if it was as much of a steaming pile of pointless exploitation as we all thought it would be (pending the results of the below poll, I mean).

How bad will the 6th Hitchhiker's book be?
	Somewhat not bad.
	Mostly harmless.
	Like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.
	Like entering the long dark teatime of the soul.
pollcode.com free polls

An Hour And A Half Of Your Life...

...and you'll never have to claim ignorance again.

Old Pirates, Yes, Dey Rob I

This Lady's Been Snorting Squalene Adjuvant

The preceding entertainment service was brought to you by GlaxoSmithKline, makers of SwineAway, the experimental innovative and untested potentially life saving H1N1 flu vaccine. Always consult your doctor listen to your highly competent government official prior to being forcibly injected beginning any new health program. As with any weapons-grade death cocktail new treatment, there may be side effects directly linked to associated with SwineAway. Possible side effects may include spontaneous acute dehydration dry mouth, massive retinal hemorrhaging blurred vision, sudden coma from acute bilateral internal carotid artery territory infarction drowsiness, H1N1 influenza flu-like symptoms, and death incongruous continued existence. Should you experience any of these symptoms after vaccination, immediately contact your doctor and attorney place your supraorbital foramen between your medial intercondylar tubercles and pucker up 'cause we got legal immunity biotch!

BREAKING NEWS!

Local Celebrity Holds Woman Captive - Victim Blames Herself, Media Spins Captor's Behavior As 'Over-Playful'

by Blogless Troll

NEW ZEALAND - A woman swimming in Hawkes Bay near Mahia had to be rescued Monday after local celebrity and all around douchebag, Moko the Friendly Dolphin, held her captive by blocking her efforts to swim to shore.

The woman survived her harrowing ordeal thanks to a super-intelligent buoy that sensed she was drowning and held her afloat until beach goers arrived in a dinghy to rescue her. If not for the courageous nature of buoys--long regarded as the friendliest technological marvels of the sea--the woman likely would have succumbed to the freezing waters and drowned.

The victim wished to remain anonymous, probably because she feared the dolphin worshipping lunatics of the world would hunt her down and lynch her for exposing Moko as the fraud he is.

"We were playing around for a while but then when I wanted to go back in, he just wanted to keep playing. I became exhausted and started to panic," she said, anxiously looking over her shoulder and choosing her words carefully so as not to further tarnish the dolphin-god's reputation.

"The reality set in that I was out in the ocean with a wild animal and no people around, so I felt quite vulnerable." Translation: The dolphin tried to rape me.

Blogless Troll, a self-proclaimed expert on dolphin duplicity, reminded readers of his prior warnings concerning Moko the Would-Be Murderer, "I told y'all last year that little bastard was fulla shit."

"Look, that fucker can't have it both ways," Mr. Troll added. "Either he's super-intelligent or he's not. The scientific consensus seems to be that he is intelligent. Therefore, the only conclusion you can draw here is that this was an intentional act, and he should be brought up on attempted murder charges. And probably rape charges too. Ms. Wishes-To-Remain-Anonymous should take a pregnancy test either way."

When asked what motivation the sadistic cetacean might have for such a cruel act, Mr. Troll cited an article that appeared in the local Gisborne Herald just two days before this incident took place.

In the article, scientists present evidence that Moko has been injured in the past by human boat propellers and fish hooks. They also conclusively prove that Moko is upset over local signage that incorrectly labels him as female.

"Hey, I'd be pissed too if I was mocked in print by a species of alleged intellectual inferiority," explained Mr. Troll. "Would I kidnap an innocent person and force her to swim to the point of exhaustion because of it? Probably not.

"Nobody's perfect, but me personally, I try to be the buoy."


Editor's Note: The Daily Mail, the BBC, and TVNZ all inexplicably have a different take on this story. But they're all gossip rags anyway, so fuck 'em. Also, make sure you read the comments at the end of the Daily Mail piece. They're hilarious.

More Boring Stuff Too Boring To Understand Because It's Boring

Click here for boring.

Numbers of note:

$23.7 trillion

35 criminal and civil investigations

***

More boring shit that doesn't affect you in any way.

I'm sure it's all above board.

Paulson Or Geithner, What's The Difference?

Goin' Fishin'

The Troll family is going to the beach for a couple of weeks. We're gonna relax, reenact Corona commercials, and not think about silly things like free throws and, I dunno, actually GETTING A HAND UP IN A GUY'S FACE WHEN HE'S SHOOTING A GAME TYING 3 AT THE BUZZER!

Sorry. That was totally unrelated to this post.

Anyway, as far as this blog's concerned, the next two weeks will be just like the last two weeks, except instead of worrying yourself silly wondering where Blogless went, you'll sleep soundly knowing I'm right here:

Hey LeBron! LeBron! Kobe! Kobe! LeBron! Hey Kobe! LeBron! Kobe!

They won't show you this version on TV.

Book Roast Wrap Party

One last party for the Master Roast Master, Chris Eldin. Go check it out.

Where Amazing Happens

This little girl is 4-0. I've heard her sing 3 of them. Goosebumps does not even begin to describe it.

Witness This, LeCrab

WARNING: May induce tears.

Hey, I'm On YouTube

No, that's not me with the camera. But the dude did get a shot of me at the 1:19 mark. See if you can guess.





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Pretty obvious.

Classic Bill Hicks

John Denton Goes Off The Deep End

This is either the most whacked out sports article I've ever read, or the lamest attempt at making history cool. I suspect what really happened is he just rented that miniseries. But his conclusions, I must admit, are self-evident.

Psssst

Mad Smart Pirate #2 is up at the Legion of Online Superheroes.

If you missed the first one, you can catch up here.

And don't forget to check out all the other stories while you're there.

For All You Nut Jobs Out There

Soooooooop-a-maaaan

What Happens When...

...one over romanticized group meets another equally over romanticized group and the only ones around to report on it are the propagandizing Chinese?

THIS

Money quote: The pirates could only lament their littleness before the vast number of dolphins.

Call me when the Marlboro Man shows up to thwart the genetically engineered T-Rex. Until then, I'll be drinking my lunch.

The Legion Of Online Superheroes Is Now, Um, Online

Bevie recently created a new blog that will be used to chronicle the adventures of your all-time favorite superheroes that were just made up last week. The stories are being posted, starting today, in 500 word installments. I wish I could tell you more, but I'm not completely sure who you work for. It's better if you go check it out for yourself using this special Legion of Online Superheroes Security Superlink ---> KA-POW!

WARNING: Underneath the Bridge, Blogless Troll, and Blogless Troll Enterprises are not responsible for any injury, accidents, capture, or imprisonment arising from the execution of the Security Superlink. Heretofore, any party of a villainous persuasion, by executing the above referenced Security Superlink hereby RELEASES, WAIVES, and DISCHARGES Underneath the Bridge, Blogless Troll, and Blogless Troll Enterprises from any and all claims and causes of action due to the likely injury, accidents, capture, or imprisonment arising from the execution of the Security Superlink.

I Hate To Say I Told You So, But...

I told you so.

Well, the Federal government sat on its hands and did absolutely nothing despite my plea for the allocation of additional dollars needed to stem the disturbing fast food crisis gaining traction in Florida. And as a result of our government’s refusal to act, the crisis is spreading across the country—to Utah of all places—just like I said it would, as quickly as an Ebola virus late for a date with... with... I dunno, someone prone to contracting Ebola viruses.

But whereas we Floridians are an assemblage of mild mannered sane people who utilize the safeguards put in place by a rational civilized society, those crazy fuckers in Utah shoot first and ask questions later.

I can’t say I blame them though. There’s nothing more aggravating than having to order an Egg McMuffin when you really want a Quarter Pounder, and given the right circumstances, firepower, etc. I could easily see myself considering this a viable course of action. Which just goes to show that the Federal government must step in and take even bolder action in order to save us from ourselves. That’s why I’m calling for government certified anger management counselors to be on site 24/7 at all fast food restaurants within the United States and Mexico (because we’re responsible for them too). I’m not saying this will in any way solve the fast food crisis, in fact it may actually increase the amount of nationwide McRage (trademark pending), but what it will do is demonstrate that our elected officials are serious about tackling the problems we face, and to a large percentage of our population that’s all that really matters.

Evildoers Beware

Via Paca via Wyrdd from The Hero Factory.

By the way, that's Mister Extraordinary Mad Smart Pirate to you.

Is That A Space Shuttle On My Windshield?

Caught this on the way back from a weekend at the beach.


Here's a shot of the solid rocket boosters right after they detached:


No, really. I swear.

Speaking of things that can fly, here's a Royal Tern:



Here's a shit load of Royal Terns:



I was actually lucky to get this picture. Usually they fly away when you get this close, but there was this pelican--just out of the frame to the left--giving a lecture on proper diving technique, and these fuckers were enthralled.

Hey, how about some gratuitous beauty?

It's Official: Fast Food Crisis In Florida

You may remember (or not) last August when I brought to your attention an incident involving a Jacksonville man who called 911 to report that Subway screwed up his order.

Turns out this wasn't an isolated incident. We didn't know it at the time, but we were witnessing the beginnings of a full blown crisis here in the Sunshine State: idiots working at fast food restaurants.

Now they've infiltrated Burger King AND McDonald's.

You can tell by the 911 operator's response that local law enforcement simply doesn't have the resources to properly deal with this crisis. If left unchecked this crisis could spread, and potentially endanger other businesses, like, I don't know, Fazoli's or something.

The solution is simple: we need an additional influx of Federal dollars. Unfortunately, our governor has already pissed away the stimulus package money that we haven't received yet by using it to balance this year's and next year's State budget, thereby avoiding having to cut any wasteful spending programs which might upset potential voters and possibly kill the critical political momentum he's built up and will need for a successful 2010 U.S. Senate run. So we're gonna need a second hit. Sorry, California. Your problems pale in comparison. If you live in Florida, please call or write to your representatives today and urge them to beg Washington for more money, so it can be allocated specifically to local law enforcement or given to someone's buddy in a series of convoluted backdoor deals. Either way, we must act. If we do nothing, our children and our children's children-- even our children's children's children--will grow up in a world where no one... what was I talking about? Oh yeah. McNuggets. In a world where no one can get McNuggets on demand. Or something.

In Case You Don't Watch CNBC

Rick Santelli Is Pissed (Again)

Christ, Are You Kidding Me?

I'm sure they'll be on Hell's Kitchen next.

And then there's this quote:

A separate 2005 study provided the first sign dolphins may be capable of group learning and using tools, with a mother seen teaching her daughters to break off sea sponges and wear them as protection while scouring the seafloor in Western Australia.

That's not journalism; it's unabashed speciesism. Sea sponges are animals too. So what if they're asexual and have no nervous, digestive, or circulatory systems? It doesn't make them tools.

Free the Porifera.

Stop dolphin propaganda.

I Vote For The Flying Pirate

McK's Public Humiliation Challenge

The lovely and talented McKoala recently issued her First Annual Public Humiliation Challenge. The idea here is to write a minimum of 100 words per day or else she will, um, humiliate you...publicly...in a...er, challenging...way. I think. Anyway, blog posts don't count (which is a shame because I'd be halfway home already) and there are some other stipulations and fine print mumbo jumbo, plus I may have gotten some of it wrong in the previous sentences, but you can find out all about it HERE.

I'll put something up in the sidebar to keep track. Also, I'll be shamelessly stealing borrowing the Koala Claw Threat Level from JJ de Benedictis because it's cool. So I should have all that up this evening. Actually, it might be tomorrow because this evening I'll be at the Throwdown In O-Town and I'll probably be too drunk after.

You'd Think

This would be getting more play.

The kooks even predicted it 6 or 7 months ago.

A Beautiful Translation

of Greenspan wannabe's recent speech.