Meming My Life Away, Looking For A Better Way…

Pete used his "Get Past Impenetrable Meme Shield Free" card and tagged me with this meme. Fortunately for me, that was the only card in circulation.

7 Random or Weird Book Facts Meme

1. I was never good with libraries, especially when I was in school. I'd go to research a paper on French Impressionism and wind up reading a John McDonald novel instead. Or, I'd actually make it to the Monet section, but then I'd start to wander and three hours later I had skimmed through five books on 18th century piracy. Eventually I'd get the paper done and turn it in late, but it would be riddled with irrelevant facts like: swashbucklers didn't buckle their swashes, they swashed their bucklers.

2. Another problem I had with libraries was they let you take books home for free, but then if you didn't bring them back by a certain date—a date that was allegedly "stamped right there in plain view, man"—they charged you money. I eventually figured out you could reduce the amount of overdue fees by keeping the book for several months, at which time they would wipe your overdue fees clean and charge you for a new book instead, which was considerably cheaper. Then you could clandestinely return the book in the overnight drop box, lay low for about six months while continuing to default on your payment, and by that time they'd have switched to some new tracking system and would've lost all record of your debt. Then you could start over from scratch. Kind of like foreign aid.

3. One of my favorite books growing up was The Wind In The Willows. Starting in the fifth grade I read it every Spring Break for like four years in a row.

4. I used to hold the irrational belief that I had to finish reading every book I started, especially the ones that clearly sucked, like somehow it was good for me or it'd make me a better person. Not anymore. I have no problem abandoning a piece of crap. And I don't set it aside in hopes that someone else might find something of value inside its pages either. I throw that fucker right in the trash and spit on it. Life's too short, man.

5. Another ridiculous thing I used to do was read paperbacks without ever creasing the spine. I don't even know why I did that. It's not like it was enjoyable. You had to hold it up to the light just right because there was only about 30 degrees to work with.

6. For the last year or so my 7 year-old daughter has been writing a series of stories featuring a character named Baby Bunny. They run about 2 to 3 pages (30 – 40 words), are fully illustrated complete with cover, and she does the whole thing in PowerPoint. She prints off about 10 copies, then sells them back to all our family members at $2 a pop, which more than covers the printing costs. Except it's not her ink.

7. Back in the day, while running with the quote unquote wrong crowd, my friends and I used to shoplift Tom Clancy paperbacks. It's not something I'm proud of, but I did learn a lot. For example, it's extremely difficult to walk nonchalantly with a 900 page piece of over written garbage down your pants. But it did inspire one of our all-time favorite catchphrases: "Is that The Sum Of All Fears in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" We eventually moved on to Grisham because he didn't chafe as bad.

Gobble

Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate. Happy Thursday to those who don't.

If you're traveling this Thanksgiving weekend, just remember: Those aren't pillows!

Disturbing Artwork For The Sports Fan

Here's an interesting drawing of a hockey stick.

See the entire exhibit at the St. Louis Fed Gallery of Fine Art.

Lazy Linky Week Continues

This is really interesting. Especially as it appears to have been written around 2002ish.

Also, the other phony maverick.

Kneel Kash And Kari Is A Chump

Darrell Issa ripped into him too.

This Pretty Much

says it all.

QFLC #1

In honor of the forgotten words of dead people everywhere, today we begin yet another numbered series that may or may not appear on a regular basis:

Quotes

From

Last

Century...

Century...

Century...

(That's an echo.)

To cause high prices, all the Federal Reserve Board will do will be to lower the rediscount rate, producing an expansion of credit and a rising stock market; then when business men are adjusted to these conditions, it can check prosperity in mid career by arbitrarily raising the rate of interest.

It can cause the pendulum of a rising and falling market to swing gently back and forth by slight changes in the discount rate, or cause violent fluctuations by a greater rate variation and in either case it will possess inside information as to financial conditions and advance knowledge of the coming change, either up or down. This is the strangest, most dangerous advantage ever placed in the hands of a special privilege class by any Government that ever existed.

The system is private, conducted for the sole purpose of obtaining the greatest possible profits from the use of other people's money. They know in advance when to create panics to their advantage. They also know when to stop panic. Inflation and deflation work equally well for them when they control finance.

--from Banking and Currency and The Money Trust by Charles A. Lindbergh, Sr. (Not the airplane guy. His father.)

I Just Participated In The Most Important Election In The History Of The Universe And All I Got Was This Stupid Sticker

Last week I made fun of all the robotrons who voted early, and I promised to take a stopwatch with me to the polling place today to see if standing in line for two hours at the library would’ve been an efficient use of my time. I figured any yahoo could press a button twice and write down some numbers, so this yahoo also took copious notes. It’s kinda long, but in the spirit of quasi-journalism I thought it best to present the unabridged version.

11:31:03 AM - Pulled into Church of the Holy Bloody Cross Our Savior/polling place parking lot. Briefly contemplated why no one makes a big stink about separation of church and state on Election Day. Preliminary conclusion: Most people don’t really give a shit because the threat of theocracy lives only in the minds of the eternally paranoid.

11:31:14 AM – Almost ran over some dude.

11:31:16 AM – Thought he wanted to charge me for parking but turned out he was only waving a sign with the name of his favorite politician on it.

11:31:42 AM – Parked. Locked truck. Walked halfway across parking lot. Stopped.

11:31:43 AM – Patted pockets. Said, “Son of a…” Retraced steps upon realizing I forgot my wallet.

11:32:27 AM – Retrieved wallet.

11:32:52 AM – Walked over to dude with sign. Said, “Hey man, I was gonna vote for that other guy, but I really like the way you wave that sign around. You convinced me.”

11:32:59 AM - Dude thumped his chest twice, flashed peace sign.

11:34:16 AM – Walked into polling place. Greeted by geriatric poll worker propped up against exterior door.

11:34:19 AM – Nicknamed him Crotchety Carl.

11:34:28 AM – Entered polling place proper/narthex. Looked for long lines to stand in.

11:34:37 AM – Spotted sign-in table helmed by poll worker with nametag that read: Mary.

11:34:46 AM – Poll Worker Mary asked for my ID.

11:34:51 AM – Thought about saying, “Pretty sure this isn’t the fake one.” Decided against it.

11:35:58 AM – Made way to polling booth/rickety plastic rectangle with legs.

11:36:07 AM – Voted straight party line. (I’m a card carrying member of the Throw All The Incumbent Motherfuckers Out On Their Asses Party (TATIMOOTA Party).)

11:38:34 AM – Navigated oceans of lawyer-speak to vote on state constitutional amendments.

11:40:54 AM – Handed ballot to Poll Worker Mary. She handed me “I Voted” sticker.

11:41:02 AM – Poll Worker Mary slyly glanced at my vote for president, appeared to resent giving me sticker.

11:41:41 AM – Exited polling cathedral. Accosted by young woman with clipboard who smiled at me like she was being paid less than minimum wage to do so. She asked who I voted for.

11:41:57 AM – Responded, “Nunya.”

11:41:59 AM – She briefly consulted her clipboard. Said, “Nunya who?”

11:42:03 AM – Replied, “Nunya Business. Go get a real job.”

11:42:07 AM – She cocked her head, appeared affronted. Said, “This IS a real job.”

11:42:15 AM – Chastised the myopia of our fast food gratification-on-demand culture in general and suggested that exit polling was a symptomatic correlation of—

11:42:22 AM – She walked away.

11:42:28 AM – Shrugged. Walked halfway across parking lot. Stopped.

11:43:16 AM – Patted pockets. Said, “Son of a…” Retraced steps upon realizing I left wallet in polling booth.

11:43:47 AM – Received quizzical look from Crotchety Carl. He said, “Hey, didn’t you vote already?”

11:43:51 AM – Said, “Once is never enough, my man.”

11:43:53 AM – Carl said, “Right on, brother.”

11:44:12 AM – Reentered polling tabernacle. Poll Worker Mary appeared smugly triumphant, made smarmy suggestion about holding onto my wallet.

11:44:13 AM – Oh, the irony.

11:44:15 AM – Returned Poll Worker Mary’s passive-aggressive animosity with shit-eating grin. Opened wallet. Counted money. Twice.

11:45:08 AM – Received scowl from Poll Worker Mary.

11:45:10 AM – Inquired about obtaining some extra “I Voted” stickers for the kids.

11:45:18 AM – Poll Worker Mary said, “Get lost, dipshit.”

11:45:23 AM – Proceeded to get lost.

11:45:51 AM – Exited polling temple again. High-fived Crotchety Carl on the way out. Said, “Carl, my man. I’ll be back around three for some more democracy.”

11:45:58 AM – Carl said, "God bless you, sir. And God bless America."

Total elapsed time: 14 minutes 55 seconds.

Conclusion: Told you.

Meemer Meemer

6 Random Things About Me Meme. Tagging courtesy of Robin. If you wanna be tagged consider yourself tagged, but I'm now officially protected by an impenetrable meme shield.

1. When I was four or five years-old someone gave me an LP of the soundtrack of The Country Bear Jamboree, that thing at the Magic Kingdom with the singing robot bears. It was the entire show from beginning to end and I listened to it over and over and over until I had the whole damned thing memorized, accents and all. It's not something I'm proud of.

2. I often begin my daily commute by lobbing foulmouthed epithets at the squirrels who pissed on my windshield overnight. Sometimes I imagine they're sitting up on a branch laughing at me like Beavis and Butthead going, "Heh heh. Heh heh. We, like, did it in the wee hours. Heh heh. Yeah. That was pretty cool. Heh heh."

3. For about three years while I was in college, I had a bumper sticker that read: Ask Me About Microwaving Cats For Fun And Profit.* While stopped at red lights during that period I received approximately two dozen respondent inquiries (of which only one I would say was legitimate), 47 middle fingers, 5 death threats, and one fatherly advice-like moment from a retired Sheriff's Deputy who told me he'd seen people get their heads blown off for less. A friend took a magic marker to the "C" and made it an "O" so it read "Ask Me About Microwaving Oats" because she claimed she was worried for my safety, or maybe it was because she was embarrassed to ride with me, or I was an idiot. I don't remember her reason. It washed off in the next thunderstorm.

4. Also in college, one of my roommates and I were walking home from a party late at night when we found an area in front of the campus bookstore under construction and kind of roped off with yellow plastic tape. We procured some chalk from an art major we knew after waking her up by throwing pebbles up at her window. Then we drew the outlines of two dead bodies on the concrete in the taped off area. Turned out the next day was some kind of open house for prospective students and all these high school seniors and their parents had to walk right past the crime scene, which apparently upset a few of them, or so the school paper wanted us to believe with their disapproving caption and front page photo. The crime was never solved.

5. I once filleted about a half inch of my index finger trying to slice a two day-old bagel. None of the skin was completely detached and it healed OK, but now I've got a sizeable L-shaped scar. Fortunately, it's on my left index finger so now if I ever get confused I just look at my knuckle.

6. I remember sitting in my sandbox at a very young age, spotting my dad's Igloo cooler—the cylindrical yellow one with the red top—and thinking: Biggest. Castle. EVER! I dragged the hose over to the sandbox and got the mixture going and filled about a third of the cooler up with wet sand before construction was halted by a major ass whipping.


* I actually have no idea how to do it! Never even tried.

Early Voting Poll Results

Ha! Ha! No. It’s not what you think. Though probably just as important.

Early voting in Florida started on October 21st. Twelve hours a day at all public libraries, at least in Orange County where I live. During my daily meanderings, I drive by at least two, sometimes three, libraries several times per day, and from 10AM on the lines are out the door and around the corner. And I keep thinking to myself: Why?

I know some people will be out of town on Election Day and they don’t trust/never heard of absentee ballots. I understand that some people will not be able to get off work to vote. But I can’t imagine that’s the case for most of the ding dongs standing in line. So yesterday afternoon I stopped at one of the libraries and conducted an impromptu poll of all the people waiting outside. OK, I didn’t actually stop, per se… But I did roll down the window and shout, “Hey! Why are all you dumbasses waiting in line?” And I guess technically I was speeding off too quickly to hear all of the responses, but I did get enough of an earful to finally understand this phenomenon. Here are the results:


37% - Think they’re saving time by waiting in long lines now instead of waiting in no lines on Election Day.

26% - Just can’t wait to shoot their electoral wad.

24% - Unable to vote in Orange County on Election Day because they’ll be voting in multiple other counties and traffic’s a bitch.

19% - Saw a line and didn’t want to miss anything.

17% - Thought they were in line for Splash Mountain.

16.5% - Wanted to make sure their vote for Pat Buchanan counted this time.

14% - Think standing in line is patriotic.

12.5% - Have a dimpled chad fetish. (I didn’t have the heart to break the news to them.)

11% - Unable to get off work.

6% - Couldn’t wait another week for their “I Voted” sticker.

2.2% - Will be out of town on Election Day.

0.5% - Just trying to return overdue books.

0.3% - Didn’t have any overdue books until this silly early voting started. Now they owe twelve bucks. Friggin democracy.


Yes, I realize it adds up to 186%, but this is presidential politics we’re talking about and there’s a certain amount of flexibility when it comes to numbers and facts.

But hey, maybe I’m way off. Maybe I’m the dumbass. Maybe I’ll be the one standing in line for three hours on Election Day due to a magical curing of voter apathy and record turnout. But seeing as Orange County has 262 polling places on Election Day and only 9 libraries, I kinda doubt it. I’ll take a stopwatch with me and let you know.