We took the kids to
Last week was only our second trip.
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Don’t worry though. We’ve got another three trips planned before the end of July when our passes run out. We’ll get those bastards yet.
Anyway, if you don't know,
Actually, of all the theme parks that detain wild animals,
© 2007 Bird-B-Gone, Inc.
I guess they figure eagles, lorikeets, and roseate spoonbills are all worthy of protection, but your average weary pigeon deserves death by impalement.
Alright, on to the roller coasters. First up, Scorpion:
It’s a twenty-eight year-old steel looping coaster, the second roller coaster built in the park, and one of the first in
Scorpion is located in the
This is your basic wild mouse kiddie coaster featuring sharp turns and a dramatic braking stop at the end that causes adults to fly forward into the lap bar, like a punch in the gut. Fun for the whole family.
Since there were two roller coasters there, we spent a while in the
©2006 Busch Entertainment Corporation
Actually, it backs up to the enclosure building where all the rhinos sleep at night, and since they’re not there during the day, the perfect time to clean the enclosure building is apparently quarter till lunch, so in fact what we were smelling all morning was rhinoceros shit. If you ever visit
However, when we were there, before I came to my entrepreneurial senses, I was so distraught that my family had spent the better part of an hour inhaling microscopic feces particles, that it almost ruined our entire day. But in the end we were saved by two beautiful words: floorless SheiKra.
Alright, I was saved. By the time I got off this one, I had completely forgotten what rhino ass smelled like. I’d ridden SheiKra a few times when it first opened, before they made it floorless, and I liked it then, but the Gs coming out of the first dive were way too intense, even for me. Remember Spies Like Us? When Dan Aykroyd and
One of the cooler elements of SheiKra is the splash down area at the end of the ride. The riders don’t get wet, but as you can see below, onlookers are given that option. Anheuser-Busch (who also owns Sea World) demonstrates once again they possess a keen grasp of human nature. Mindless tourists at theme parks will push, shove, and stampede their way inside if it rains, but tempt them with some warm highly-chlorinated water infused with roller coaster axle grease and the occasional splash of rider vomit, and they will come running like lemmings to get drenched.
(I’m sure the parents of those kids later regretted their decision to let them get soaked, because the kids probably bitched and moaned and complained the whole way home about being wet and cold and sticky, and tried to convince the parents that the only way to remedy the situation was stopping for ice cream, which, of course, the parents probably did. Idiots.)
Anyway, I’m not what you could call a coaster enthusiast. Actually, that’s not true. I could be called a coaster enthusiast. It’s the people who call themselves coaster enthusiasts who need to pick a different word— nut, fiend, maniac. These are all much more accurate. In order to be a true coaster enthusiast, you have to be infatuated with wooden roller coasters, and I am not. I mean, I like ‘em. They’re okay. I can handle the rough rides, the bone rattling vibrations. What I can’t get past is the fact that several tons of coaster train and human flesh are being supported by a patchwork of two by fours. The coaster enthusiasts can have their nostalgia. I’m perfectly happy with that new fangled steel stuff.
This is Gwazi, a dueling wooden roller coaster. I convinced our daughter that “two” was the perfect number of times to ride this one, though “zero” is closer to the truth. By the way, a good tip when you find yourself on a wooden coaster: Don’t look at the two by fours as you pass them to see if they move or shake. They do. A lot.
Here are the other two coasters at
Kumba - Steel sit down looping coaster
Montu – Inverted coaster
We didn’t get to ride these this time because 1) the kids weren’t tall enough, and 2) I didn’t feel like waiting in line. Both, like SheiKra, are made by Bolliger & Mabillard which means the ride is super smooth and they kick ass. B&M is the BMW of roller coasters.
Alright, that’s it for now. We’re going back to