Friday, April 18, 2008

Cockroach Synchronicity

I don’t know what this says about humans as a species, but these are some keyword phrases people plugged into Google, and as a result found their way to this blog:

authoritative clown - I don't think they meant me.

truck monkey throw a guy off bridge - That one, maybe.

chinese sit-n-spin sex chair - Don't worry. I Googled it for you, and I don't think it exists.

dolphin poems - Bet they were pissed.

my boyfriend is afraid to express his feelings - I hope I helped.

who's gonna win Xavier or Georgia? - That person I know I helped.

jockstrap central - I got nothing for this one. Feel free to fill in your own.

hayden christensen - Six people using Google Blog Search have landed here looking for this schmuck since I mentioned him in passing earlier this week. I wonder how many would show up for Brad Pitt?

i am leaving college and want a caption for underneath my photograph – any ideas - I'm guessing this person was writing an email, then looked up and saw the screen was still on Google and said, "Fuck it. I'll try it anyway."

poem of a killer whale - I didn't know there was such a demand for cetacean poetry. Perhaps I shall write some.

Honestly, that’s all this post was gonna be. I wasn’t feeling particularly ambitious last night, in fact, what I was feeling like was Oreos. So when I finished, I walked to the kitchen, flipped on the light, and instead of Oreos I found a half-dead cockroach in the middle of the floor. We're not slobs, I swear, and almost never do we find roaches inside the house. But Florida is pretty cockroachy, and I didn't think much of it. I grabbed a paper towel and sent the little bastard to the big roach motel in the sky. But then I discovered we were all out of Oreos. So I walked into the laundry room to get my shoes, flipped on the light, and what did I find? Another roach. This one was limping awkwardly in counterclockwise circles, and I dealt with it in the same manner. I thought it was a little weird that I would find two cockroaches in the house, at the same time no less, but all the lights had been out and, shit I dunno, maybe they hunt in packs. So I put my shoes on, grabbed my keys, and walked out to my truck because I was going to the store for more Oreos. I opened the truck door and you'll never guess what was staring up at me from the floorboard. Yes! Another goddamn cockroach! It hadn’t yet encountered our bug guy's perimeter defenses, so I had to use my Mr. Miyagi-like reflexes to stomp that bitch into the floor mat. Normally, victory over a quick-moving insect in a contest of agility would be cause for celebration, but honestly I was starting to worry. I mean, yeah, I eat lunch while driving sometimes, so maybe I’ve dropped crumbs here and there, and maybe it's not that weird to find a cockroach in your car. But three cockroaches in five minutes? If it’d been two, like I said, no big deal. Four and I would’ve just fired the bug guy. But three? Three is magical, so the whole way to the store and back I feared this might be some kind of foul omen. I drove extra carefully, making complete stops at every stop sign, using my blinker in the appropriate manner, and I didn’t dare think of speeding, not even a little, because who knows what kind of shit could befall you when you’re under the Three Roach Hoodoo. Obviously, I made it home safe, and then I ran straight to the computer and Googled "three roach omen" and several variations thereof. Thankfully, nothing about roach curses turned up, which was a load off my mind. But I did click on a few blog links those searches produced, just so they too could ponder the state of humanity.


Sarah Laurenson said...

OK. Now you're getting webstats? From where, oh mighty Troll?

Actually. it was only 2 1/2 cockroaches. So I think you're safe from the dreaded threesome. Unless you do procure one of those chinese sit-n-spins.

Amazing where we pop up on the web. I google myself from time to time to see what's out there. A lot of the stuff has disappeared over the years. I used to breed cats in New Zealand. Played squash there too and was pretty highly ranked in my junior high school type division. The only thing left - other than the ones that are really me - is the one in the UK who sings, plays some instrument and peddles clothing.

ChristineEldin said...

BT, Funny, because I just heard this odd snippet on the radio last week. Two guys talking about cockroaches in their apartment. One guy says you should never squash them with your shoes, because the eggs (if there are any) stick to your soles, then you're spreading the eggs everywhere you walk.
So don't go buyin' your oreos from that store where you just deposited all those roach eggs.
If this is even a true tale.

ChristineEldin said...

"True Tale" meaning the two guys on the radio, not your FL story!

pjd said...

Cockroaches. Eeewww.

What would have worried me was the thought of something sneaking around in my house that was maiming and killing cockroaches. Maybe like that little goblin in Stephen King's "Cat's Eye" movie. (Google that and find the photo of a wee Drew Barrymore. She hasn't changed.)

I hate roaches. I had the world's worst real estate agent in Seattle. I'd just graduated college and wanted a condo, and she convinced me that this big but old place would be perfect. To save me a hundred bucks, she said I should not get a pest inspection. Guess what? The place had a roach nest as big as Trenton, NJ behind the fridge. And, since it was a condo, when I got rid of them from my place they just moved in with their families in Newark, then came back when the first round of toxins wore off. Roaches seriously suck.

I wonder if this is how the dinosaurs talked about the little furry mammals. "They're gross, dude. I had to squish one the other day that got in my nest. Hey, what's that fiery looking thing in the sky?"

McKoala said...

I think the dolphin poem person sent them. They are the vanguard of her revenge. Keep watching...

Robin S. said...

Oooooh, or is it ewwwwwwww, which is how it sounds to my ears when I write oooooooooh - I remember when we (the former other part of 'me and he')lived in Louisiana, in, as they called it CENLA, or SIN-LA. It was roach motel hell - even if you weren't in a motel, but your own house.

And my family up in Kentucky (totally chic, of course) were freaked out that I had roaches in my kitchen. Soooo---- we had the place sprayed like crazy, and I caulked crevices like an insane woman on a mission, but they still showed up every once in a while.
Deep South. Wet. Humid.


Sorry you got 'em, BT.

Anonymous said...

Did no one else think of Men in Black? Vincent D'Onofrio is hot even as a cockroach.


The cockroach threesome was obviously an omen of Oreo depletion. What greater evil could befall humanity than to be out of Oreos??????

Ello said...

Dude - I should post some of the hysterical and disturbing searches that people use to find my blog.

And growing up in NY, cockroaches were just a fact of life. I will never forget once when we were living in a wretched part of town. One night I went to the kitchen for some water and turned on the light and it was like this huge mass exodus of cockroaches in the sink. I couldn't eat for weeks until we finally moved out! It was so bad!

Whirlochre said...

For the past couple of days I've been sorting through the contents of my attic in the company of an Unsnuffed Shitbrain Wasp from last summer.

It's as big as a golf ball, covered in dust and it keeps flying out from under boxes and behind rafters, terrorising me with an uberfractal flight path to shame von Richtoffen on absinthe.

I've tried swatting it but it's such a dozy fucker its movements defy all known physical laws.

I fear it may be the gatekeeper of a secret portal to another world...

McKoala said...

"Vincent D'Onofrio is hot even as a cockroach."

Hot?!!! *sound of furry jaw hitting floor* Aerin, I think we will never compete for men...

pjd said...

hey, how do you find out what search strings are bringing people to your site? I've only been a web programmer for 14 years, so I haven't learned everything yet.

fairyhedgehog said...

To pjd:

I use statcounter to monitor my websites and it gives you that information and a lot more. It's free, unless you want in-depth details on more than the last 500 page loads.