Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Now They’re Busting Truck Nutz

Okay, this one may take some explaining. It’s possible these things have gone global and everyone already knows what they are, but rather than research demographic data for ornamental polyethylene bull testicles, I’ll just assume you don’t know and post some pictures:

Truck Nutz, Bulls Balls, DragginNutz. Whichever your brand of choice, you're sure to find a wide selection of genuine replica gonads available for purchase from any of these fine retailers.

I first heard about these bumper ball sacks a couple of years ago, but to be honest, I rarely ever see a pair. And I’ve been looking. Whenever I’m on the road I scan the undercarriages of every large vehicle I see in hopes of sneaking a peek. Makes me feel like a perv, sure, but I can't help it.

I’ve only seen maybe three endowed trucks in the last two years, but the truck nuts must be out there somewhere, because here in Florida, State Senator Carey Baker is trying to ban them. I know, I know. Nothing is sacred anymore. Our liberties are being stripped from us one set of fake family jewels suspended from a trailer hitch at a time.

By the way, here’s my favorite paragraph from that article:

Baker made clear his proposal would not affect the decal that shows a "little boy doing bad things to other vehicles. That's not my issue. My bill refers to a reproduction of reproductive glands. So, if it doesn't show the glands, it isn't covered. And the little boy decals don't show the glands."

Clearly the Calvin-pissing-on-(insert-your-nemesis-here)-sticker lobby got to him first. Ruthless bastards.

Baker’s ball banning measure made it through the Florida Senate last week. I have no idea if it has passed, is in the process of passing, or will pass in the House. I doubt it though. Virginia tried to pass a similar law earlier this year, but failed. Of course, they wanted $250 per busted nut. The State of Florida is only seeking $60. No idea if that helps or hurts the cause. Whatever the cause may be.

Blatant First Amendment issues aside, there is at least one other aspect that Senator Baker has failed to consider:


pjd said...

Really... I'm just baffled that anyone would want this on their truck in the first place.

I think the legislation is stupid because it forces people like that into hiding. I'd rather have them self-branded so I can stay away.

(No offense to you, BT, if you are the proud owner of a pair.)

Sarah Laurenson said...

Saw one (pair?) not too long ago. I thought I was seeing things. But no. Some idiot actually thinks this is decorating his truck in a fetching manner. I'm sure it's a great chick magnet.

Actually it's probably a great gay guy magnet. Hmmm. Maybe that's what they're going for?

This is almost as bad as the guy who invented neuticals so his dog wouldn't feel less of a, um, man when they had him neutered.

And I say - whatever.

Robin S. said...

I haven't ever seen a traveling truck nut. I didn't even know they made 'em.

What am I always the last to know this stuff?

OK - BT- whose trike, baby?

McKoala said...

Never seen 'em. Pretty happy about that. Then you came along and spoiled my innocence. Now I'm going to be peering under trucks and getting myself into trouble.

Big hefty trucker: 'Why are you peering under my truck?'

Skinny girl koala: 'Because I want to know if you have any balls.'

Nothing but trouble can come of this.

Whirlochre said...

This is scrote-tastic, if a little guy-centric.

They ought to start making smaller ear ring versions so we can get the chicks involved.

blogless troll said...

1. No, I don't own these.

2. The trike is from DragginNutz.com. No idea who the kid is.

3. Completely forgot about neuticals, Sarah. Those are hilarious too.

4. Sorry, McK.

5. Scrote-tastic is my new favorite word.

fairyhedgehog said...

Wonderful scenario there, mckoala. I'm glad I wasn't drinking tea when I read it.

Ello said...

that is so wrong.
But so funny.
Yet terribly wrong.

writtenwyrdd said...

And yet they have no problem with the naked wimmin in silhouette on mud flaps? I am so confused about where the imaginary line in the imaginary sand of decency is to be drawn! *fans self like a delicate lady flower and faints*

writtenwyrdd said...

OH, and yes, I've seen 'em. I do live in rural, everybody-even-me-owns-a-four-wheel-drive-with-a-hitch Maine. I've been looking for one of the hitch plugs that says My Other Car Is A Broom, but they don't seem to be available...

Robin S. said...

OK. I'm gonna admit something stupid about myself, that I just realized, which makes it even more stupid.

I've been thinking of draggin'nuts as Dragon Nuts, not Dragging Nuts, as in, along the road nuts being dragged, you know, along the, um, road.

Holy crap.

Sarah Laurenson said...

You mean they don't come from dragons? Well, color me red.

Seriously, I didn't get dragging out of it either.