As you probably know, I am highly suspicious of dolphins. I’ve explained my reasoning in previous posts, so I won’t get into it again. It’s possible you think I’m just a speciesist bastard, or I was somehow terrorized by a dolphin as a small child. But in fact, it's for their own good. When we deify the fucking dolphins, not only do their egos swell beyond repair, but we also end up with DAT – Dolphin Assisted Therapy.
If you’ve never run across this “new and exciting field of modern medicine,” it claims to cause “significant improvement of health conditions” in people suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome, emotional stress, phobias, depression, neurasthenia, and even cerebral palsy. I know. Pretty amazing. I bet that’s why those trainers at Sea World are always so damned perky. Apparently, swimming with these majestic creatures for 15-20 minutes per day for a period of 7-10 days produces the kind of health effects that, up until now, were only associated with…
…swimming for 15-20 minutes per day for a period of 7-10 days.
A little DAT history from their website: The foundation of the Dolphin Assisted Therapy program in Europe goes back to Eastern Europe, the former Soviet Union, and the
I’m pretty sure they meant founded, but never underestimate the truthfulness of a Freudian slip.
The website is also quick to point out that: Dolphin Assisted Therapy is not a miracle. (In case you were leaning that way.) But: A filing [sic] of a joy and harmony during the treatment sessions in the hearts of children, their parents and support team is a guaranteed outcome. Contacts with the friendliest creatures of the sea and therapy sessions are like a game for patients and others.
“Others” being “Ludmila Lukina,” and the “game,” “Easy Money.”
Here’s a photo from the Dolphin Assisted Therapy homepage accompanied by the following caption:
Direct contact with a dolphin in the water helps to cure children's diseases and shows strong and stable positive results.
Direct contact helps to cure children's diseases? That sounds like a, like a— What’s the word? A miracle!
The kids does look happy though. Alright, I’m convinced. Forget everything I said about dolphins. Those fuckers are magical.
Oh wait, maybe not.
By the way, allowing themselves to be exploited by infomercial hucksters masquerading as doctors only furthers my case that dolphins aren’t really that smart. Either that, or they’re just publicity whores. Probably both.