As you probably know, I am highly suspicious of dolphins. I’ve explained my reasoning in previous posts, so I won’t get into it again. It’s possible you think I’m just a speciesist bastard, or I was somehow terrorized by a dolphin as a small child. But in fact, it's for their own good. When we deify the fucking dolphins, not only do their egos swell beyond repair, but we also end up with DAT – Dolphin Assisted Therapy.
If you’ve never run across this “new and exciting field of modern medicine,” it claims to cause “significant improvement of health conditions” in people suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome, emotional stress, phobias, depression, neurasthenia, and even cerebral palsy. I know. Pretty amazing. I bet that’s why those trainers at Sea World are always so damned perky. Apparently, swimming with these majestic creatures for 15-20 minutes per day for a period of 7-10 days produces the kind of health effects that, up until now, were only associated with…
…swimming for 15-20 minutes per day for a period of 7-10 days.
A little DAT history from their website: The foundation of the Dolphin Assisted Therapy program in Europe goes back to Eastern Europe, the former Soviet Union, and the
I’m pretty sure they meant founded, but never underestimate the truthfulness of a Freudian slip.
The website is also quick to point out that: Dolphin Assisted Therapy is not a miracle. (In case you were leaning that way.) But: A filing [sic] of a joy and harmony during the treatment sessions in the hearts of children, their parents and support team is a guaranteed outcome. Contacts with the friendliest creatures of the sea and therapy sessions are like a game for patients and others.
“Others” being “Ludmila Lukina,” and the “game,” “Easy Money.”
Here’s a photo from the Dolphin Assisted Therapy homepage accompanied by the following caption:
Direct contact with a dolphin in the water helps to cure children's diseases and shows strong and stable positive results.
Direct contact helps to cure children's diseases? That sounds like a, like a— What’s the word? A miracle!
The kids does look happy though. Alright, I’m convinced. Forget everything I said about dolphins. Those fuckers are magical.
Oh wait, maybe not.
By the way, allowing themselves to be exploited by infomercial hucksters masquerading as doctors only furthers my case that dolphins aren’t really that smart. Either that, or they’re just publicity whores. Probably both.
11 comments:
You have a magical gift for writing things both hilarious and bone-chilling at the same time. I think I suffered three laugh out loud moments reading this, and two bouts of despair at the state of humanity.
Apparently, swimming with these majestic creatures for 15-20 minutes per day for a period of 7-10 days produces the kind of health effects that, up until now, were only associated with…
…swimming for 15-20 minutes per day for a period of 7-10 days.
You really should be writing a national column, which should then be picked up by an agent who thinks - damn - this guy is a great and sardonic essayist - maybe he should do a book.
And we can be really proud, because we knew you 'when'.
So, can you get on that, please?
I have the power to see into the future.
One day a dolphin will kiss you, for your work in freeing thousands of their kind. The next day another one will eat you. Yanno. Because of everything else you've said about them.
Ditto PJD!
I thought you were making this up until I clicked on the DAT link.
Good for you! I heartily approve. Seriously dolphins are wild and can be dangerous, people just don't know this. There was an article about a dolphin that nearly drowned a woman who was in a pool to swim with it. People need to leave wildlife in the wild.
Robin and Pete, thanks.
McK, I actually have been kissed by a dolphin before, and I can tell you, I'd rather be eaten. (Bad mullet breath.)
Chris, I wish I could make up stuff like that.
Couldn't agree more, Ello.
Great article! And great comment, McK.
I agree with Robin. You might consider a newspaper column or something like that.
Hey!!! Where's our beach guy?
No no say it ain't so - I don't want you to actually LOOKlike a troll - just act like one.
Hmmmph.
Sorry, Robin. I was getting tired of looking at it.
Your crusade against dolphins (yes, I think it qualifies as a crusade) has inspired me, at least a little bit. See my most recent post and look for Unis.
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