Cockroach Synchronicity

I don’t know what this says about humans as a species, but these are some keyword phrases people plugged into Google, and as a result found their way to this blog:

authoritative clown - I don't think they meant me.

truck monkey throw a guy off bridge - That one, maybe.

chinese sit-n-spin sex chair - Don't worry. I Googled it for you, and I don't think it exists.

dolphin poems - Bet they were pissed.

my boyfriend is afraid to express his feelings - I hope I helped.

who's gonna win Xavier or Georgia? - That person I know I helped.

jockstrap central - I got nothing for this one. Feel free to fill in your own.

hayden christensen - Six people using Google Blog Search have landed here looking for this schmuck since I mentioned him in passing earlier this week. I wonder how many would show up for Brad Pitt?

i am leaving college and want a caption for underneath my photograph – any ideas - I'm guessing this person was writing an email, then looked up and saw the screen was still on Google and said, "Fuck it. I'll try it anyway."

poem of a killer whale - I didn't know there was such a demand for cetacean poetry. Perhaps I shall write some.

Honestly, that’s all this post was gonna be. I wasn’t feeling particularly ambitious last night, in fact, what I was feeling like was Oreos. So when I finished, I walked to the kitchen, flipped on the light, and instead of Oreos I found a half-dead cockroach in the middle of the floor. We're not slobs, I swear, and almost never do we find roaches inside the house. But Florida is pretty cockroachy, and I didn't think much of it. I grabbed a paper towel and sent the little bastard to the big roach motel in the sky. But then I discovered we were all out of Oreos. So I walked into the laundry room to get my shoes, flipped on the light, and what did I find? Another roach. This one was limping awkwardly in counterclockwise circles, and I dealt with it in the same manner. I thought it was a little weird that I would find two cockroaches in the house, at the same time no less, but all the lights had been out and, shit I dunno, maybe they hunt in packs. So I put my shoes on, grabbed my keys, and walked out to my truck because I was going to the store for more Oreos. I opened the truck door and you'll never guess what was staring up at me from the floorboard. Yes! Another goddamn cockroach! It hadn’t yet encountered our bug guy's perimeter defenses, so I had to use my Mr. Miyagi-like reflexes to stomp that bitch into the floor mat. Normally, victory over a quick-moving insect in a contest of agility would be cause for celebration, but honestly I was starting to worry. I mean, yeah, I eat lunch while driving sometimes, so maybe I’ve dropped crumbs here and there, and maybe it's not that weird to find a cockroach in your car. But three cockroaches in five minutes? If it’d been two, like I said, no big deal. Four and I would’ve just fired the bug guy. But three? Three is magical, so the whole way to the store and back I feared this might be some kind of foul omen. I drove extra carefully, making complete stops at every stop sign, using my blinker in the appropriate manner, and I didn’t dare think of speeding, not even a little, because who knows what kind of shit could befall you when you’re under the Three Roach Hoodoo. Obviously, I made it home safe, and then I ran straight to the computer and Googled "three roach omen" and several variations thereof. Thankfully, nothing about roach curses turned up, which was a load off my mind. But I did click on a few blog links those searches produced, just so they too could ponder the state of humanity.